A simple after-office dinner so we can celebrate being blessed with this wonderful person
* photos by Tee
Rules versus Relationship
When my tita Linda died, inviting her children to our house for the summer seems the nicest thing to do at that right moment. It's noble and I'm excited. I'm finally being called to do my ministry. Their arrival is perfect timing--Walkway just started. I swore to do exactly what I was trained. Discipleship is relationship. Oh how excited I am to minister to them. I mentally noted to never scare them off with heavy religiousness. The mission is to introduce Jesus. To mix the Gospel with Katy Perry, Korean fashion, Facebook, Transformers, etc. Then there would be pre-teens church services, afternoon stroll and late night bonding afterwards, perfect for discipling would-be teenagers who just lost their mom. Oooh... I can hardly contain my excitement!
The reality however is a stark contrast.
The happy feeling started to wear off. I was horrified when God showed me the true conditions of my heart.
As the bills mounted, so was my stress. Much to my friggin late realization, I yelled at Arlene for being choosy on the food. I spoke to Anna in a harsh tone when she played PC games straight for 24 hours (hardly worrying about her health, but very concerned with Meralco.) In a span of few days my ulilang cousins oh so heartbreaking all disappeared.
In place were three menaces who wrecked the house, dirtied the bathroom floors I painstakingly scrubbed, racked up the Meralco bill, stained all the heavy comforters with pentel pen, food stains, period and whatnot.
When I realized that I got exhausted juggling three kids and three adults and sub-leveling our bills (which I really suck at), I suddenly felt what you must be feeling as you read the paragraph right before this. DISGUSTED.
I am so disgusted with me for feeling that way.
But God, like a dear Father that He is, didn't accuse me with what I felt against these kids. Sure, He shows you how disgusting your heart is but He fixes you. If you're willing, He fixes you.
I want to say I ran to my Father's lap and cried and whined about what a failure I am to my cousins. But of course that would sound fiction.
But that's what it felt like as I prayed to Him.
I want to say He comforted me and gently showed me the way but of course that would sound another fiction.
But the activities in my heart which most people would call conviction felt exactly like that.
When I attended a classroom management training for Kids Church, more truth emerged. I learned that we should always prefer restoration over reprimand. And that's when it all made sense. I finally put a name to the nagging feeling in my heart. It finally hit bottomline: Rules versus relationships.
Oh if i could sit with you right now, we would probably never run out of examples of rules-versus-relationships moments in our lives. It's all over your household when your tita harshly makes sermon at you over some petty things, etc.
Rules-versus-relationship moments are active in governments, Churches and in any human interaction you have. We may hardly realize it but the reality is rules are becoming more precious than relationships.
"Just follow the rules! I don't care how you feel, i don't care if you don't understand why we have this rule, I don't care if I'm angry right now and speaking in harsh tones already, I don't care if this is making you feel obligated and is not helping your growth, I don't care if it's forming a wall between us and is destroying our relationship, i don't care how I'm hurting you right now, JUST FOLLOW THE RULES!"
And one of the many things I love about God? It's after He shows you the conditions of your heart, He gives you the opportunity to start anew.
My cousins supposedly have gone home two weeks ago. But their stay was prolonged for some reason and I was given a chance to get to know them more. I don't know how they feel about me now especially since first impression lasts. And I bet their first impression of me is snappish and stern and naggish. But I know how I now feel about them when Ryan showed me the new Meralco bill a few days ago which almost tripled our monthly payment. Nanlumo ako sure as I mentally calculated my next paycheck. I value the rules because they're in place to protect us and keep things in order. But I value the relationship too. It's just up to me to decide that on a crucial moment, which of these I value more.
The kids and I ended up tangled on the floor breathlessly tickling each other and the meralco bill which was dropped on the floor became a hazy sight as I tickled back.
There's always a life-changing stuff out of any interaction. Summer with these kids revealed to me once more about the kind of God I have. I avoided God in the first 24 years of my life because He's so stern and has so many heavy rules that I just couldn't keep up with. Church was scary. So many rituals and rules to keep up with.
Exhausting.
But through Jesus, He shows us that on top of these rules carved on stone tablet lies what He really cares about the most: relationship.
And when I get that, then from the relationship, rules will be happily adhered to.
Ryan's bday
My cousin Ryan's birthday.
He is deaf and mute but he's very bright, helpful, neat and loving.
And he loves to share.
Ryan's a blessing.
Fun day!
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| The girls and I had fun preparing We sent papa and Ryan on an errand so we can set up |
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| spag and tacos |
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| Anna, Ryan, Arlene Their mom died of cancer two months ago |
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| prepping up for the games |
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| First victim of icing fight |
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| DANCE & POP haha papa refused to be old for these games |
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| fun! fun! fun! |
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| Icing fight! |
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| Birthday boy is (especially) no exception in icing fight |
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| Ryan's looking at me for cue in blowing his candles he can't hear the words but he knows the song |
