Desperate for a Christian friend

Yesterday, my youngest sister, Jen, was filing me in on her recent trip to Baguio (yes, her first time!) 

Invariably, the topic changed to God about how He has been so generous with us. We never tire of discussing happily how we have been playing church all our lives until God finally got our attention, our real attention.  


It was just me two years ago but God is so awesome to keep to yourself so I began to engage this young sissie of mine and lifted her up to God especially during our church's 7 days of prayer and fasting.  And now she's growing deeper in Christ. 


I looked at how I discipled her and thought to myself, it would be hard for our ate who lives abroad to hear too about this Jesus that saves and transforms lives since I am far from her. 


But of course I was looking at it the wrong way.  It's not me who will change my ate. It's God. I am only tasked to push against the rock, but only God can move it. 


I didn't realize that right away but I kept praying for her anyway. My specific prayer was that God would send Christian friends to my ate and to her husband who lives in Europe so that both of them would be encouraged to pursue God... that somehow having Christian friends they would be exposed to a lifestyle where there is a God and He is active even in the most mundane detail in their lives.


More than a year later, I never heard any excited news from my ate about meeting Christian friends.  There's a flat mate and a staffer at her work but neither was introducing Jesus to her. And I want a Christian friend for her!  I have been growing deeper in Christ through my small group that's why I was adamant in my prayer that ate will find one too.


In January of this year, I BBM'd my ate to join the annual prayer and fasting. I didn't expect her to agree but she did.  At the end of the 7-Day Fasting, my ate inundated my blackberry with messages about how amazing God is. Anyone can easily say how amazing God is especially if there's an answered prayer but then often it's the answered prayer that's amazing and not God. 


But when my ate sent a long message about how awesome Jesus is to take our sins and put them on Himself and take off His righteousness and put it on us, now that's the encounter!  It didn't sink in right away but when it did I found myself down on my knees in worship. What did?


Well, if you were reading the entire blog you would've noticed that what I specifically asked was for God to send Christian friends to my sissie so that she will hear about this Jesus.


Guess what? God didn't.  He didn't send even one Christian friend.




Because He sent Himself instead. 






Sooo amazing!!! 






Jesus is indeed in the business of healing lives, opening eyes and revealing Himself--the Only exceeding joy.

Brigs getaway

BRIGS is a group of friends from my past job 5 years ago.  We got that name from a private joke ü

We hardly see one another but amazingly the connection is still there, strongly there.

On this get-together we're celebrating two birthdays, a promotion and

an all-expense paid trip to Paris

and most of all, we're celebrating our God, who's been generous with us even though we do not deserve it.  

bed n bfast

happy day!

me and mocha

Brigs with jho

mocha and ega enjoying jacuzzi

in the middle of wilderness a group of girls can be heard laughing boisterously

Ega, Raquel, Enna, Mocha

FACE WARP!!!

These friends of mine are oh so worth treasuring!

some of the pics of the place we stayed in

love you brigs

Trip outta town

I love get-together with my high school friends, Katips.

We've been friends and tight since 1997. :)

i love joyride with all windows down

Food trip & Videoke

Fun!

(flavored) Vodka night

joyride

Breakfast smorgasbord in town

Stop being cheap! LIVE!

It always astounds me when God generously gives you something that you enjoy. Even small things. 

Last weekend, He gave me a vacation. All started out when I was ready to back out because I'm all tapped out and I couldn't pay for the 3k plane ticket. Marianne advised that I just tell Gen (who booked my ticket) the truth and let God decide if I should really join or not. Doc Gen responded that I can pay her back when I'm ready. I didn't tell anyone but I secretly did an ikot-talon yehey.

The best travel agents in the world cannot guarantee an itinerary better than my God can. It's just an ordinary vacation, nothing as grand as the Bahamas cruise or taking on the Swiss Alps. But I went home with more than just my bag filled with wet clothes.

Here we go...

1. Island hopping 

- We encountered a mild downpour, foggy visibility and threatening waves. I kept looking around and there were no boats nearby, no possible lifeline in case we topple over. The closest land was just the silhouette of the mountains east of us which is a visual suggestion of how far it is. That's exactly what's going on in my mind in that moment of fear. I was expecting the worst and my mind was furiously strategizing if in case we did tip over.  Oh no. Hey wait. I have a God remember? So I made a smooth retreat to the back of the boat and started praying Psalm 91.

That's what's expected from a woman of faith, to pray in the middle of fear, right? Wrong.

I looked at the faces of the people on the boat with me. Shivering from cold, laughing over some remembered anecdotes...the faces didn't register any fear at all. When the boat safely docked and my feet touched land, that's when it hit me.

There were just two kinds of Christians on that boat that day: one girl that prays with worry and the rest of the girls laughing comfortably in faith.

 2. Mother Nature 

 - Urband legend, filipino myths, childhood stories ranging from a group of teenagers who got sucked into a menacing current after cursing the sea or the tabi-tabi po chant to ward off dwarfs...these things that were fed into my young brain then formed a decision that I wasn't willing to compromise: 

Nature is scary. 

Leave them alone. You already got the city for your turf, but leave nature alone. It's nature, man! It's out of anyone's control.  But that day in Donsol, another blinder was shattered.  I look back and realize what a fool I've been to be afraid of mother nature when the One who owns mother nature is our heavenly Dad. 

I imagine a carpenter who built a little boat for his son.I couldn't help but wonder what the carpenter must be feeling when he saw his son's eyes lit up as he presented to him his creation. He must be happily waching his son playing with his new toy.  

That's the picture that I want to remember whenever I encounter nature.  Our Father in heaven is so generous to be sharing His creation with us. So there shouldn't be any fear. Nothing screams the work of God's hands better than nature. It's the best moment where you can forget everything and just marvel at God's greatness. 

"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world and all who live in it; for He founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters."

- Psalm 24:1-2

3. Facebook-driven activities versus the real thing! 

- In my beach travels in the past, the essence of it circled on these items in my to-bring list:

* 5 sets of bikinis for an overnight swim, check.

* blush, lip gloss, hair mist, check.

* outdoor getup and beach night life getup, check.

I could go on and on. I know, I know. It's pathetic to be going to places just so you can flaunt your getups. But in this Donsol trip, I watched the girls with me and noted several things:

- no fuss over the bikinis or make-ups

- but they took advantage of the functionality of their stuff instead: underwater gears, bags, suits, etc.

- no fuss over what to eat or where to eat

- the time spent on activities is greater than the time spent taking pictures

- in short, these girls are after THE REAL THING. 

I remember doc gen's story when she was surfing. She wouldn't let go of her board but the wave activity forced her to. When she finally let go, I don't remember exactly what she said but the gist of it is that the view was a lot better underwater.

Bottomline? Something stirred within me. I've been having a tip of the iceberg contentment. The kind where you would rather stay on the boat and watch your friends swim because of fear. Or picture-taking safely on the shore is preferred than diving. It's like an international food smorgasbord. But I'm just gonna be contented with filipino foods because it's tried and tested.

Which brings me to the best thing that I took home with me. 

4. Realizing the best in life 

- Off the top of my head, I doodled these items in my journal under best things in life: 

travel; coral reefs; family dvd moment versus eat out with friends;  friends who challenge and encourage your faith; etc. 

The point is when you realize what you value or what you should really value, it greatly affects your lifestyle.

Just last sunday Gen said that God promises in the bible LIFE for us. And not just life, but abundant life. (Sorry, gen, you're heavily quoted in this blog :D)

Chamyto said don't make money your problem and don't let money determine how you will maximize life. Don't wait for a perfect condition before you go for your dreams because there's never a perfect condition.  There's always an unpaid bill that needs to be prioritized. But you realize in the end you always ride out the rain. 

Gen added that that doesn't mean you have to live beyond your means though.  In the end, it's always a conversation between you and God. Like if my bpi account can sustain only the coming week's necessities and I have an invitation for a vacation, I shouldn't just jump at any opportunity nor should I say no right away thinking of my piled-up bills. I should ask Him, consult Him, He owns everything that I have so it should be His final say on what to do with the money on my payroll atm. 

And God's provision is not limited by my Chase's basic salary.  

Van also said that first you obey God even if obeying Him leads you to an uncertain path.  For example, you're so gipit na and your tithes is still waiting in your wallet. If you give your tithes this cutoff, you have no idea where you're gonna get your next week's manna.  Well, Van encourages that the path where you wanna go is obedience and the unknown.

It's the best place of faith.

Fear of unknown should be changed to FAITH-especially-because-of-the-unknown.

It is ready. Ready to be poured out. God wants us to have the best in life, He created life! But we're too easily distracted with cheap desires. There are so many potentials in us and God is so ready to nourish it and make it grow, but we waste our resources on not so worthwhile stuff. 

One of the best things that I went home with from this Donsol trip is that God, through my small group, is teaching me to LIVE!

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

-cs lewis.

Bilao at asin

Not all parents are as creative as mine when it comes to disciplining children but everyone knows what"Bilao at asin" means.  When we're kids, papa taught us lessons through bilao and asin.  He'd take out the bilao, pour rock salt on it and...oh you know the drill. Paluluhurin ka sa asin to teach you a lesson.

After we all turned 18, our toes have barely scratched adulthood yet we're already experiencing the glory of being adults. It was the moment when that bilao thing started to sound ridiculous to use for disciplining us.

Today at 3-ish in the morning I had a crazy imagination.

I am suddenly that willful little 'J' who did what she wanted when she wanted. That little J who snuck out of the forced afternoon nap, who stole her lolo's Hershey's, who spat out veggies when no one's looking and basically that little J who did anything that can drive all the adults in her life nuts. They were just silly pranks. Nothing so serious that can merit the bilao and asin. 

Until one boring afternoon. 

Everybody else was catching up on some mexican teleserye upstairs. I was so bored that I hopped on lolo's stationary bike.  The kids were not allowed to use it after it was moved to that one place in the house where all the electrical wirings were located.   I hopped on it anyway. I pedaled so fast, intensely watching the ergometer that I didn't notice a wire got tangled in one of the pedals. I don't understand the physics of it but I remember hearing a faint sound of an explosion followed by a power outage in our house first, then the house next to us. 

I wasn't hurt but the entire compound was in panic. I quickly ran and mingled with the kids outside confident that no one would know it's me and that papa will never find out when he arrives home from work.  But, bummer, papa finds out everything.  

So there go the bilao and asin, prepared for the trembling little Je-ann.  You see, papa is bent on punishing disobedience. No ten thousand baby-voice sorries can save you from the bilao and asin.  You gotta go through it so you remember the pain and wouldn't dare to disobey again.

I found myself shaking my head this morning as I recall that bilao confrontation. 

Anyhoo, the crazy imagination begins right here.

I imagine my ate rushing home from Dubai and tells papa that she was the one who played with the forbidden bike. Then she takes my place on the shining bilao already waiting in the corner of our house.  After a long, excruciating moment, she flies back to Dubai.

My first reaction would be, "Yun lang pinunta mo dito??"

I imagine the next reaction would be, "Why? Why do it for me?"

And probably the third is that I'm changed forever.  The image of my sister suffering on the bilao that was intended for me would be forever eteched in my heart. And I would adore and love her more than before. 

But hey my ate would never do that. In fact, no one is able to do it for me, ever. Me, who's selfish and bratty and hides wicked motives in my heart? Hell, no! No one would think I'm worth it.

Except for this Someone I know. My eyes start to brim with tears even as I write this part. 

I snapped back to present and smiled.  Crazy imagination.  

It's a beautiful Sunday morning. I couldn't wait to worship my God and Savior after thinking so much of what He has done on the cross for me.

"Came to earth to take my place...on the cross...on the cross..."

I used to see the cross as a religious artifact which my titas and lolas treat with so much sacredness.  But now I know that it's much more than that.  So much more that it makes my heart bow down to worship.

In fact, the story of the Cross has become my lovelife.

And yours, too, if you believe everything that God wrote about Himself on that great book we call the "Bible".

:)

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

- 2 Corinthians 5:21

Something wonderful, so so wonderful happened!

Ever felt like something wonderful happened, so wonderful, you're wondering why everyone else didn't stop from doing their day-to-day routines? That's what I felt kanina. 

Today, I took one step of faith.  Oh, don't be bored. Read on. The story was so shameful, so terrible, so appalling, so revolting. (Like that won't get your attention, hehe.)  But don't forget, in Christ, all stories are victorious!

I finally spoke to pastor Dennis today about that story in the past which most of my soul sisters know. Instead of my heart pounding to relive the past, the terrible past, it was my head pounding... clearly the enemy does not like God's plans, plans to free me. So as usual the enemy gave its 100% to sabotage this day. First, the confusion on the time to meet. Second, my headache.

But the Holy Spirit was upon us. Pastor Dennis and I were able to make the meeting and everything we discussed went straight to my heart. 

So much for introduction hehe. I just woke up lang kasi today at 5pm. The lyrics I posted below was singing in my head as I opened my eyes a few minutes ago (I posted the video on my wall). I just can't contain the excitement so I wanna tell you guys na kagad. 

Kanina as I talked with pastor, while my head was pounding, my heart was jumping naman from one emotion to another: humbled, confident, I cried, I laughed, I was afraid (as Pastor made me realize the gravity of that past), then I was unafraid (as Pastor reminded me of God's word that in Christ Jesus there's no condemnation), I am happy, I am inspired, I am forgiven, I AM FREE!!!

Ohmygosh. Three biggies in this time of my life: one SUPER BIGGIE down! My heart is so so so shouting, "my God absolutely deserves to be praised!!!"

I can't wait for God as He brings one plan after another into completion. 

I can't can't can't can't can't contain these praises for God in my heart!!!

I am so excited to share it with you guys!!! 

The complete story though is too good for a facebook note. God is so glorified in this story that I don't want to use a simple facebook note. So I am going to meet you all and tell it to you personally. 

When I woke up kanina, this lyrics was ringing in my head, out of nowhere it was ringing in my head:

Through You the battle's won

Through You I'm not afraid

Through You the price is paid

Through You there's victory

Because of you my heart sings I AM FREE YES I AM FREE

I am free to run

I am free to dance

I am free to LIVE FOR YOU

I AM FREE!!!

See you guys soon! I'll see you all to tell you the story. 

Not "it's complicated." But "in a relationship."

On August 14, 2007, I wrote this on my journal:

My life is mainly a battle between whims and goals. There's this important ingredient that's missing. Oh, you know what? Let me erase what I just wrote above. THIS IS A BATTLE BETWEEN ME AND MYSELF. I want to control myself. I want the part of me that wants to control myself to win.

I'm a battle of time. I can never be early. Sometimes can't even be present.

I'm a battle of money. Little expenses, little expenses everyday and then eventually...the day of where-it-all-have-gone-to.

I'm a battle of commitment. Promises are made either to make the other person say yes right away or to compensate.

I'm a battle of dependability. I would always have other people do things for me.

I’m a battle of selfishness. Everything to my favor. Anyone unlucky to get on the way either receives harsh tones or silent treatment.

I’m a battle of insecurity. I don’t like the way I was molded. I have stories to attract attention and cover the flaws. Besides, I can behave in a way that will attract attention.

Which makes me then a battle of truth. I can’t face the truth. I twist and distort realities to my preferred concoction. C’mon, people, believe me. This is the truth. This is my episode.

I’m a battle of resolution. What did they say? To solve the problem you must know the problem first? Crap. I know the problem. I can pinpoint the exact spot where it all started to go wrong. But I never resolve. I never change. I never stop.

The bitter irony is I know I can never solve all these without His help. I have this bone-deep longing for Him to get me out of me and win these battles. But I keep ignoring anything connected to Him

Find me then cause I can’t find You. Find me. Take me. Take me. Save me. Save me. Don’t let go. Don’t let go. Don’t give up on me.

I don’t know how turn my back on the things that I think will add color to my life. If You will be the color to my life, well, I don’t know how to leave it in Your hands and trust You.

All I know is that if the battle starts, I give in. Helplessly. Then I give up.

I just so don't know You. I don't know how You touch lives, I don't know what it means when people say, "God spoke to me." You know why I don't know You, it's because we don't have a relationship.You're up there. I'm down here. No relationship at all. Yet I need You. But I don’t want to go to You. And again, yet I need You. And again, but I don’t want to go to You. And again…

And this is my biggest battle. Help me.

--end--

Exactly two years later, in August of 2009, I sent the excerpt below to a pastor:

"This year's father's day, I took my friend up on her invitation to go to your church. I didn't know it but after that, I was never the same again. More importantly I have come to know Him in a way I have never had before. I am so overwhelmed with this new recognition of Him that when I praise and worship Him my heart feels like exploding, unable to handle His greatness."

---end---

I would have gone and collated all the verses in the Bible that will testify that prayers are answered, that anyone who is weary should go to Him, etc. Except that, He already spoke to me. He gave the answers that I’ve been looking for…straight to my heart. How do I know that? I can’t explain eh. When you're in a relationship there are just things you can't explain. You just know.