Not "it's complicated." But "in a relationship."

On August 14, 2007, I wrote this on my journal:

My life is mainly a battle between whims and goals. There's this important ingredient that's missing. Oh, you know what? Let me erase what I just wrote above. THIS IS A BATTLE BETWEEN ME AND MYSELF. I want to control myself. I want the part of me that wants to control myself to win.

I'm a battle of time. I can never be early. Sometimes can't even be present.

I'm a battle of money. Little expenses, little expenses everyday and then eventually...the day of where-it-all-have-gone-to.

I'm a battle of commitment. Promises are made either to make the other person say yes right away or to compensate.

I'm a battle of dependability. I would always have other people do things for me.

I’m a battle of selfishness. Everything to my favor. Anyone unlucky to get on the way either receives harsh tones or silent treatment.

I’m a battle of insecurity. I don’t like the way I was molded. I have stories to attract attention and cover the flaws. Besides, I can behave in a way that will attract attention.

Which makes me then a battle of truth. I can’t face the truth. I twist and distort realities to my preferred concoction. C’mon, people, believe me. This is the truth. This is my episode.

I’m a battle of resolution. What did they say? To solve the problem you must know the problem first? Crap. I know the problem. I can pinpoint the exact spot where it all started to go wrong. But I never resolve. I never change. I never stop.

The bitter irony is I know I can never solve all these without His help. I have this bone-deep longing for Him to get me out of me and win these battles. But I keep ignoring anything connected to Him

Find me then cause I can’t find You. Find me. Take me. Take me. Save me. Save me. Don’t let go. Don’t let go. Don’t give up on me.

I don’t know how turn my back on the things that I think will add color to my life. If You will be the color to my life, well, I don’t know how to leave it in Your hands and trust You.

All I know is that if the battle starts, I give in. Helplessly. Then I give up.

I just so don't know You. I don't know how You touch lives, I don't know what it means when people say, "God spoke to me." You know why I don't know You, it's because we don't have a relationship.You're up there. I'm down here. No relationship at all. Yet I need You. But I don’t want to go to You. And again, yet I need You. And again, but I don’t want to go to You. And again…

And this is my biggest battle. Help me.

--end--

Exactly two years later, in August of 2009, I sent the excerpt below to a pastor:

"This year's father's day, I took my friend up on her invitation to go to your church. I didn't know it but after that, I was never the same again. More importantly I have come to know Him in a way I have never had before. I am so overwhelmed with this new recognition of Him that when I praise and worship Him my heart feels like exploding, unable to handle His greatness."

---end---

I would have gone and collated all the verses in the Bible that will testify that prayers are answered, that anyone who is weary should go to Him, etc. Except that, He already spoke to me. He gave the answers that I’ve been looking for…straight to my heart. How do I know that? I can’t explain eh. When you're in a relationship there are just things you can't explain. You just know.