"I'm God's girl. One pretty enough, smart enough, and just enough to bring Him delight."





Little enemies


I woke up early this morning from a burning headache last night. The first thing I realized was being buried in thick blankets when I was supposed to be wrapping up calls in the office. That jolted me up from bed. 


I went through last night's events in haze. I remember my kuya waking me up twice to get ready for work. I remember texting-in sick to my boss while half-asleep and half-awake. I remember mama asking me money for her medicine but I was just too knocked out from a pounding headache.


As I was changing my HMO password online this morning, I thought about mom if she was able to buy her meds last night.  I remember calling her from the doctor's clinic earlier that day because I needed my HMO card number but I left my card at home. I flashed an uneasy smile at the receptionist who was doodling around the appointment list, ready to put an X on my name while I waited for mama to get out of bed and find my HMO card.


But Mama couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed because she's been having sleep disorder lately. I toyed with the idea that last night she must've understood what it felt like waking up someone especially a sick person that she didn't press me further for money even though she herself badly needs to buy her meds.



That made me realize something important I had to type it before I lose it.


Everyone knows the Nazis or the ampatuans.  There's also the Mean girls in school or the politicians in the office; the nosy relatives and the backstabber neighbors.


You do not need to identify who the enemies are because they are flagrantly attacking you or your loved-ones. But this we know, in the face of the enemies, your family or your team becomes solidly one. A fierce protectiveness swells up and a course of action is planned or even taken at once to protect your family.


That's pretty much how it works. 


These are big enemies, threatening yourself and your loved-ones but I realized that little enemies can be as deadly.  Especially those invisible ones.



We all have invisible, little enemies.  They lurk around your household, nudge invisibly in your friendship and one day even explodes unannounced in a relationship.  They are faceless, nameless little ones that the victims would sometimes not be even aware that they exist even after the relationship already crumbled.


Little enemies that if not exposed may slowly break down the fortresses of your relationship.


I am going to dare name a few in some of my relationships.



Sleep - everyone lately seems to be deprived of sleep, that if it's so much as disrupted, all hell would break loose. And if it does, sleep becomes more precious than your loved-one you once swore you'd take the bullet for.  The one who disturbs your sleep suddenly becomes the enemy and gets the overbearing treatment.


Internet - can blind you from what really matters on that particular day in that particular moment. Suddenly, without you realizing it, the need to go online feels like a priority.  A sister making lambing to watch movies na lang gets a soft sarcasm.


The "pampasira-sa-plan" friend - everyone's excited on a supposedly fool-proof plan but here comes the friend who is late or who suddenly shows up without the discussed gift. So the invisible enemy slowly attacks the moods.
The get-together was first served a cold treatment for appetizers. 


The consumer relative - before, he is a family. But when he loses his job and does nothing but to take and take, he's slowly forming into a nuisance.  The invisible enemy starts to work around your impulses to give, your mental what-i've-given-him-already list, your complaint list, etc.



I do not have a cure or techniques or solution for this because I'm not a pro. But I wanna drive this thought home with this:  Identifying who are your real enemies provides a better line of defense.

After all,  if we're protective of our loved-ones when big enemies attack, these invisible little enemies should also be dealt with. The relationship needs to be defended from them as well.


Where's the best place to start drawing your defenses from? 


Go back to the basics: Jesus' precepts. The only precept whose bottom line is love.


Involved! Way, way involved!


God is shockingly personal. 

Off the top of my head I named my top 5 persons that care about me. None of them compares to how God is so heavily involved in my life.

None of them would care the way He cares, would happily dream big dreams for me the way He does.  None of them would sink into concern deeper than what God feels about the matters of my life. And none of them would die for me.

For a God, I'm gonna say it again, He is shockingly personal!


Tell me, who is more involved in your life than the Person described in the text below?


You have searched me, LORD, 
   and you know me. 
You know when I sit and when I rise; 
   you perceive my thoughts from afar. 
You discern my going out and my lying down; 
  you are familiar with with all my ways. 
Before a word is on my tongue 
   you, LORD, know it completely. 
You hem me in behind and before, 
   and you lay your hand upon me. 
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 
   too lofty for me to attain.

For you created my inmost being; 
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 
   your works are wonderful, 
   I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 
Your eyes saw my unformed body; 
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book 
   before one of them came to be
— 
   when I awake, I am still with you.



Psalm 139:1-6 / 13-19


Dad stops the fight between two sisters


On a beautiful morning, a failed promise made me blow my top.  I yelled at my sister for a 10minute peace alone in the bedroom because I was seething with anger. I slammed the door after her.  I felt hot tears of anger on my face.  The next thing I know was waking up at 7 in the evening. I gargled, turned on the PC right away and sent a bitchy fb message to jenny as if there was no 8 hour sleep in between. 

The next morning, I had planned on quickly checking my facebook but ended up sending another message to my sister: 


Hi sis, 

Please disregard the letter above because of the conversation below:



Him: why are you angry again?


Me: because to be behind on all household bills together is one thing. and completely another, to be the only one worrying about it while the other earners in the family have the choice to give how much they can give. it's as if i don't have a choice. it's as if my salary is spoken for.


Him: why are you angry again?


Me: I just said...


Him: ..that you're worrying? Would you be angry if you're not worrying? Would you be worrying if you did not forget about Me and what I can do in your family?


me: I'm just getting them to work with me. But it's not working, Lord. I tried. I wrote them so many letters.


me: So now I plan to teach them a lesson. The hard way. I want na maputulan kami ng kuryente. I want angry letters from the landlady. I want dry faucets. And I'll save the money in my bank. I bet that'll teach them a lesson. When they learned the lesson then I'll help them pay everything with the money I saved.


Him: ...and be uncomfortable at home? Live in a house full of stressed people? and make it easier for everyone to be angry and impatient with each other?


me: just teaching them a lesson


Him: They might get the lesson. But what do you think is going to happen to the relationship?


me: Lord, this is hard....



Him: Pray. Pray for cheerfulness to serve your family. Stay in that situation. It might get harder down the road, you will not know. But stay in that situation. Wait until I'm done. If you stay and trust, I will turn your pain into praises. 


me: How do I stay, Lord?


Him: Love...




I did not pray, sis. I don't know how in the world a conversation just occured between God and me in my heart when I was in the middle of angrily making plans. Plans to hurt you guys to make a point. I even planned to move in with my officemate. But for every plan I was devising, that "small voice" we're so familiar with kept butting in. Some call it conscience or guilt. But I recognize the voice of the Shepherd who's at work in my heart...my heart that's oh so full of panunumbat at pagkkwenta.


Amazing that even when you hide from Him because you're misbehaving, He brings you back to His embrace.  Do you believe that God embraces you even when you're angry and wickedly cold? 



The dialogue above (though I used rhetorics) pretty much summarizes what God's embrace entails. 


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