On a beautiful morning, a failed promise made me blow my top. I yelled at my sister for a 10minute peace alone in the bedroom because I was seething with anger. I slammed the door after her. I felt hot tears of anger on my face. The next thing I know was waking up at 7 in the evening. I gargled, turned on the PC right away and sent a bitchy fb message to jenny as if there was no 8 hour sleep in between.
The next morning, I had planned on quickly checking my facebook but ended up sending another message to my sister:
Hi sis,
Please disregard the letter above because of the conversation below:
Him: why are you angry again?
Me: because to be behind on all household bills together is one thing. and completely another, to be the only one worrying about it while the other earners in the family have the choice to give how much they can give. it's as if i don't have a choice. it's as if my salary is spoken for.
Him: why are you angry again?
Me: I just said...
Him: ..that you're worrying? Would you be angry if you're not worrying? Would you be worrying if you did not forget about Me and what I can do in your family?
me: I'm just getting them to work with me. But it's not working, Lord. I tried. I wrote them so many letters.
me: So now I plan to teach them a lesson. The hard way. I want na maputulan kami ng kuryente. I want angry letters from the landlady. I want dry faucets. And I'll save the money in my bank. I bet that'll teach them a lesson. When they learned the lesson then I'll help them pay everything with the money I saved.
Him: ...and be uncomfortable at home? Live in a house full of stressed people? and make it easier for everyone to be angry and impatient with each other?
me: just teaching them a lesson
Him: They might get the lesson. But what do you think is going to happen to the relationship?
me: Lord, this is hard....
Him: Pray. Pray for cheerfulness to serve your family. Stay in that situation. It might get harder down the road, you will not know. But stay in that situation. Wait until I'm done. If you stay and trust, I will turn your pain into praises.
me: How do I stay, Lord?
Him: Love...
I did not pray, sis. I don't know how in the world a conversation just occured between God and me in my heart when I was in the middle of angrily making plans. Plans to hurt you guys to make a point. I even planned to move in with my officemate. But for every plan I was devising, that "small voice" we're so familiar with kept butting in. Some call it conscience or guilt. But I recognize the voice of the Shepherd who's at work in my heart...my heart that's oh so full of panunumbat at pagkkwenta.
Amazing that even when you hide from Him because you're misbehaving, He brings you back to His embrace. Do you believe that God embraces you even when you're angry and wickedly cold?
The dialogue above (though I used rhetorics) pretty much summarizes what God's embrace entails.
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