Reprimand, Restore, Reward

This weekend I remember a very important lesson that I learned last year.  I heard it in a Classroom Management Class that VCF facilitated for Kids Church and I believe it so strongly that I don't want to pass up a chance to apply it to my life.

"Do not reprimand. Restore."
 
It weighed deeply because I had flashbacks of countless incidents in my life that prove that restoring people works and reprimanding them breaks.

An incident this weekend reminded me of these two choices. 

My cousin who currently stays with us displayed an obsession for money that incited her to be rude to my father. Sometimes when you are disappointed with someone and your temper is flaring up, it feels soooo good to just reprimand.  I was so tired that day from work and I had a choice to just go home, plop into the couch and question and blame and threaten Anna. But our responses to an issue set the direction of the relationship.  I have long observed that reprimanding can be a short cut to drifting apart.


So after I got out of work last Saturday, I asked her to meet me at Chatime near my building.  
I remember how I listened to the adults in my life when I was young about don't do this and don't do that.  But never did I remember them telling me the bottom line. I guess the bottom line for them is simply don't do this and don't do that. To me it didn't work.  I was just reprimanded, but I never understood why.

So when I talked to Anna I made sure I drive the point home and explain to her why her behavior is unacceptable. Mostly I wanted to make sure that the center of our conversation is what is God's say on the issue.

She wrote down what we discussed in four points.

1. Relationship is more important than money
2. The best kind of giving is IN faith
3. God will meet my needs
4. God will never leave me nor forsake me





Based on Anna's facial expression, vibe and responses, I think it went well.  She didn't feel bored nor did she feel she's being bashed. It kinda feels like a liberating moment.  And the reason I noted that is because I came from a night shift and was tad edgy.  When I planned to talk to her all my urges just wanted to reprimand her.  But I prayed before we talk and the way the conversation went is the exact opposite if I am the one directing it. So, praise God who covered us with His grace!



Then on Sunday, we rewarded Nate for being a good boy. 
He is just like any 6 year old that can be stubborn too. 
But we noticed that when you explain things to him and not make him do what you want him to do for no reason, there's RESTORING right there.  You partner with him (for example, he gets to use the desktop if he naps in the afternoon) or you explain the reason why he shouldn't do what he shouldn't do (like it is bad to fight because Jesus tells us to love our enemies), we noticed that he is quick and cheerful to obey.  

I do not know a thing about child psychology but what I learn from Jesus' teachings is that even disciplining is an act of love. And communication is such an important ingredient of a relationship.  I also learn from the mommy blogs that I read, especially my favorite one, that not only you choose to restore over reprimand.

But you also reward.

"Do you still love me?"

She was rebellious when she was young. 
She couldn't remember how many times she ran away from her parents. She wouldn't see them for weeks and months.
One day, she was sitting atop the stairs of a hotel when her daddy found her. He asked softly, "Anak, do you still love me?"

She was irritated. She moved away stomping her feet. She hopped on a car and looked back at her daddy and saw him exactly how she left him, sitting there, looking confused and sad.  As the car took her away, he became a smaller and smaller figure until he vanished from her sight.

Years later she has gotten over the "running away" phase but was still rebellious this time directly against the One who created her. She ran away from Him all her life thinking she didn't need Him in her life. 

One day, she was sitting in a cafeteria inside a building. She needed to consult a professional regarding an ethical decision that needed to be made. But the man instead explained to her how hopeless she was because of those terrible things she did.  She felt fear quickly filling her up like water being poured over a glass. 
Fear of hopelessness. 
Fear of punishment. 
Fear of eternal damnation.
Fear of God.
Tears were welling up.
The man continued. 
The cafeteria was noisy and her tears were blurring everything.
But she heard the man say,
"...He died for you while you were still a sinner."

It reminded her of how a loving father sat beside a rebellious daughter atop the stairs of a hotel in the 90's. 
But in that cafeteria, with all her sins laid bare on the table, God too asked her what her daddy asked back then.

  
Except that it was a slightly different question. 

"Do you know I still love you?"

The nothing pie

Browsing pictures of cakes online for a party I'm organizing

Landed on a website with a picture of a sinfully delectable Red Velvet Cupcake

Filled with intense craving

Remembered Mercato--the night market near my office

Looked at my watch.

Plenty of time.

Hurried to the bathroom and put on clothes in 20 minutes (I average an hour).

Hailed a taxi headed to Mercato.

Mercato was closed.

Felt like God was telling me to fight the craving off.

Because I have been splurging on food this past week

and barely have enough office allowance left to tide me over this cutoff

Ignored it.

Mental note flashing: Find a banoffee pie

Went to Starbucks

Was just around the corner

Sudden strong downpour

and wind blew hard

braved it

and made it safely inside Starbucks

got what I was craving for

took a picture 

to remember how i strongly craved for this

rubbed my hands with mischievous grin

But my oh my

was in for a surprise

one, two, three bites...i was confused. Why was i not enjoying it? 

It's not guilt or something

Heck I didn't feel guilty I was ignoring what I thought was God's message in my heart

And the pie tasted the same as before

but the satisfaction just wasn't... there.

Finished my pie in silence.

Shook my head.

So much effort to appease the craving

only to end up empty

It occurred to me

only one Person is more than able to satisfy my inner hunger

to fulfill me

to complete my needs

JESUS

but He can wait...I gotta have the pie.

There it landed.

Taking this road of finding satisfaction elsewhere

other than Jesus

will always be a waste of effort, energy and time.

It will always come back empty.