This weekend I remember a very important lesson that I learned last year. I heard it in a Classroom Management Class that VCF facilitated for Kids Church and I believe it so strongly that I don't want to pass up a chance to apply it to my life.
"Do not reprimand. Restore."
It weighed deeply because I had flashbacks of countless incidents in my life that prove that restoring people works and reprimanding them breaks.
An incident this weekend reminded me of these two choices.
My cousin who currently stays with us displayed an obsession for money that incited her to be rude to my father. Sometimes when you are disappointed with someone and your temper is flaring up, it feels soooo good to just reprimand. I was so tired that day from work and I had a choice to just go home, plop into the couch and question and blame and threaten Anna. But our responses to an issue set the direction of the relationship. I have long observed that reprimanding can be a short cut to drifting apart.
So after I got out of work last Saturday, I asked her to meet me at Chatime near my building.
I remember how I listened to the adults in my life when I was young about don't do this and don't do that. But never did I remember them telling me the bottom line. I guess the bottom line for them is simply don't do this and don't do that. To me it didn't work. I was just reprimanded, but I never understood why.
So when I talked to Anna I made sure I drive the point home and explain to her why her behavior is unacceptable. Mostly I wanted to make sure that the center of our conversation is what is God's say on the issue.
She wrote down what we discussed in four points.
1. Relationship is more important than money
2. The best kind of giving is IN faith
3. God will meet my needs
4. God will never leave me nor forsake me
Based on Anna's facial expression, vibe and responses, I think it went well. She didn't feel bored nor did she feel she's being bashed. It kinda feels like a liberating moment. And the reason I noted that is because I came from a night shift and was tad edgy. When I planned to talk to her all my urges just wanted to reprimand her. But I prayed before we talk and the way the conversation went is the exact opposite if I am the one directing it. So, praise God who covered us with His grace!
Then on Sunday, we rewarded Nate for being a good boy.
He is just like any 6 year old that can be stubborn too.
But we noticed that when you explain things to him and not make him do what you want him to do for no reason, there's RESTORING right there. You partner with him (for example, he gets to use the desktop if he naps in the afternoon) or you explain the reason why he shouldn't do what he shouldn't do (like it is bad to fight because Jesus tells us to love our enemies), we noticed that he is quick and cheerful to obey.
I do not know a thing about child psychology but what I learn from Jesus' teachings is that even disciplining is an act of love. And communication is such an important ingredient of a relationship. I also learn from the mommy blogs that I read, especially my favorite one, that not only you choose to restore over reprimand.
But you also reward.
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