Crushes and Sweethearts

Lord, distracted lang po. Pero di kita ipagpapalit kay Paul. Ang sarap lang nya isipin ngayon. Curious ako sa kanya. Nababaitan ako. And it demands my waking moments. Hindi ko po madescribe yung feeling pero para akong may blinders. May dark clouds hanging around my head. And all I could think about was how it feels good to live out every desire and fantasy in my head. Kaya hindi muna ako masyado nakakapagpray at nagspend time with you.

(Lord, I'm just distracted...but I am never going to trade you for Paul.  It is just so good to think about him right now.  I'm curious at him.  I find him nice.  And it demands my waking moments.  I can't describe the feelings but I feel I have blinders.  There are dark clouds hanging around my head and all I could think about was how it feels good to live out every desire and fantasy in my head.  And that's why I couldn't pray as often as I used to.  And I haven't been spending quality time with you.)

But the thing is, no matter how magical I make it out to be in my head or how magical this can potentially be if ever we do get together, I look at the sky...i see thousands of stars dazzling so majestically.  The difference between these earthly good feelings and the wonders in the sky are so huge.

And it reminded me of the greater treasures out there...in Your hands.

It paints a picture of me, a simple girl consumed by desire for another boy...and a great God, who created everything, consumed by desire for me.

It tells me of my small view, small plan and little desires.
And it tells of Your deep dreams for me, the great works you have prepared in advance for me before you even created the world, the many miracles waiting to be poured, the sweet revelations meant to make my heart be kilig for You, the events in my life written and all planned-out to make me fall in love with you over and over.  You designed marriage so I won't be alone here on earth...but You designed my heart to love You and enjoy You than anything or anyone else in this world.  That is why You created me...to glorify You and enjoy You forever. 

And the earthly desires can sometimes steal that golden purpose in my heart.

But...but You wouldn't compare to Paul. 10,000 guys in love with me put together will not compare to:
How you knew me
How you created my inmost being
How you know my thoughts so well you know a word even before I say it
How you are familiar with all of my ways--what makes me kilig, what saps my joy, what makes me afraid, what makes me feel pretty, what makes me pretty, what satisfies my longings
How you numbered all my hairs
How you have tattooed my name in your palms

I know, Lord, you are not a killjoy God. In fact you remove what kills joy. So although you never forbid having crushes, I know you are concerned about how a simple crush can consume a girl, evoke all the longings there, remind her of everything she is not, get all her focus on this other created human more than the Creator.

You are probably smiling at my cuteness and craziness right now...and yet You will close doors no one can open, and open doors no one can close.  And that is where I rest.  Whether it's Paul, a different future, or a  blessed singlehood, that is where I rest, in Your hands. 

And so, in the middle of this in love feeling, I will deal with this desire by severing it with a much bigger desire...your desire for me.

Help me, help me focus on You. Shower my heart with spiritual bouquet of roses and chocolate bars. Woo me, win me again. Oh so satisfy me that I wouldn't be easily distracted. I will look at the stars again tonight and remember that the One who created these magical things is the One who first loved me.