Humility that belittles

I texted sorry to papa because I feel that my tone is masungit while we're clarifying some details earlier today. 

I usually just pretend nothing happened whenever I become rude to my parents and would vow to do something nice for them to assuage the guilt but today something nagged at me that I might have hurt his feelings when he was just trying to help. So I txtd him.

I was walking briskly inside MOA with the walk of a person who knows where she's headed and was nervously expecting a reply that would reprimand my rudeness.  Instead I received this message. 


"Don't mind it."


In that brief moment, I felt a strong mixture of belonging to someone who doesn't demand I explain my behavior, someone who doesn't want me to carry the burden of offending him...someone who's quick to forgive me.

I couldn't help but remember (and be ashamed) why there are many moments in my prayer life when I feel worried that I'm too, too despicable that God wouldn't be able to stand me.  Don't you experience those FALSE ideas playing in our heads while praying?

I pray crying myself to death asking sorry but it feels like God is stone-cold watching me impassively because He's not that big enough to forgive my biggest sin. 

It sometimes makes me feel I am conversing with a parent who refuses to talk so I'm gonna quietly leave the room and do something nice to make up for my being a meanie.

Yes, I do get that feeling. 

In those moments, I am maybe praying intensely and poring over the bible solemnly BUT without realizing I am actually belittling God-- especially what He did on the cross!

And I feel worse than an active notorious murderer!

At least, that notorious murderer is likely ignorant of Jesus or else he would have quit. But me, I hear Jesus every sunday, I read blogs of pastors regularly but still I am strongly inclined to belittle this God I claim to be the greatest in all universe!

I'm glad that He knows we tend to pattern His motives with our nature that He encourages us with this:


"If you then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven..."Luke 11:13


 And Eliphaz would have rebuked me with,


"Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can a man be more pure than his Maker?"Job 4:17


I pray that God would never stop giving me realizations like this and would rebuke me even right in the middle of praying to remind me that not all prayers are good however heartfelt. 


I should stay away from prayers that do nothing but insult the heart of my Father in heaven. 

"The fastest way to kill your prayer life is to combine small thoughts about God with big thoughts about self." 

- Ptr. Rich blaylock