Singlehood, pursuit of marriage, spouse---alien words I stashed away, way away in the back of my head

Today,  I opened my eyes and started filling my heart with the truths of God.  I do it by reading the Bible, Christian articles, praying, worshipping, listening to worship songs.
For the first time after I became a Christian, I started reading articles about dating.

I am single as of this writing.  I have never dated ever since I became a Christian 5 years ago.  Dating suddenly became an unfamiliar ground...it became delicate, fragile, mysteriously beautiful and I refuse to jump at any opportunity.  Dating no longer felt like a priority or a prerequisite.  For me it is just a bonus to this already wonderful life with God.

And i found that the only difficult part of singlehood is the people around us. Singlehood is such a blessed state!  There is so much freedom, so much time, so much opportunities to spend time with God and revel in his creation: travel, families, holidays, etc.

But the people in the lives of the single people are the thorns in this blessed state.  They are those who think you are undesireable, those who assume you are miserable.  They pity you, they interrogate you, they give unsolicited advices, they judge you--so much I have become adept in wearing my polite, bubble smile.  The kind of smile wherein I politely enter my bubble and tune out what these peoples are saying.  Because they don't understand, I'm having the time of my life!  So much I never prayed for a spouse.  I knew I am ready to die an old, single lady, perfectly loved and accepted by my Creator.  I knew my needs are well-met by God even on this earth. In fact, I'm filled to the brim...an overflow that leads to reaching out to my families, the lost, the broken wherein I play my role as a child of God into leading them to this overflow love that was displayed on the Cross.

But last month, I developed an infatuation for someone whom I only knew from afar.  In my past, I usually developed a deep crush for someone I have at least a level of friendship with and not for people I barely knew.  I do crush on people I haven't even met, but they are tamed crushes that are usually fleeting.  Nothing that will keep me away from sleep or food.

So when I started liking this guy, I started pursuing what God is saying about dating.  I am in the early stages.  I don't know anything about this guy and I don't know yet what God wants to show me.  But so far, here's what have struck me as I read more about what God is saying about dating:

1. Marriage is worth having because you get God in your lifelong commitment to one another. Marriage is about knowing God, worshiping God, depending on God, displaying God, being made like God. God made man and woman in his image and joined them together, giving them unique responsibilities to care for one another in their broken, but beautiful union.  Source
2. If the guy for me turns out to be exactly into item number 1, I would probably be so weak in the knees, head-over-feeet in love with this guy over and over.  So I prayed as early as now, that no matter how good this future husband is, may he never steal the part of my heart that belongs to God and God alone. 

God is not a killjoy

"We are not meant to revel in his creation instead of him or more than in him but because of him, and because there is something of him in all that is good and beautiful."

- John Piper - 

Crushes and Sweethearts

Lord, distracted lang po. Pero di kita ipagpapalit kay Paul. Ang sarap lang nya isipin ngayon. Curious ako sa kanya. Nababaitan ako. And it demands my waking moments. Hindi ko po madescribe yung feeling pero para akong may blinders. May dark clouds hanging around my head. And all I could think about was how it feels good to live out every desire and fantasy in my head. Kaya hindi muna ako masyado nakakapagpray at nagspend time with you.

(Lord, I'm just distracted...but I am never going to trade you for Paul.  It is just so good to think about him right now.  I'm curious at him.  I find him nice.  And it demands my waking moments.  I can't describe the feelings but I feel I have blinders.  There are dark clouds hanging around my head and all I could think about was how it feels good to live out every desire and fantasy in my head.  And that's why I couldn't pray as often as I used to.  And I haven't been spending quality time with you.)

But the thing is, no matter how magical I make it out to be in my head or how magical this can potentially be if ever we do get together, I look at the sky...i see thousands of stars dazzling so majestically.  The difference between these earthly good feelings and the wonders in the sky are so huge.

And it reminded me of the greater treasures out there...in Your hands.

It paints a picture of me, a simple girl consumed by desire for another boy...and a great God, who created everything, consumed by desire for me.

It tells me of my small view, small plan and little desires.
And it tells of Your deep dreams for me, the great works you have prepared in advance for me before you even created the world, the many miracles waiting to be poured, the sweet revelations meant to make my heart be kilig for You, the events in my life written and all planned-out to make me fall in love with you over and over.  You designed marriage so I won't be alone here on earth...but You designed my heart to love You and enjoy You than anything or anyone else in this world.  That is why You created me...to glorify You and enjoy You forever. 

And the earthly desires can sometimes steal that golden purpose in my heart.

But...but You wouldn't compare to Paul. 10,000 guys in love with me put together will not compare to:
How you knew me
How you created my inmost being
How you know my thoughts so well you know a word even before I say it
How you are familiar with all of my ways--what makes me kilig, what saps my joy, what makes me afraid, what makes me feel pretty, what makes me pretty, what satisfies my longings
How you numbered all my hairs
How you have tattooed my name in your palms

I know, Lord, you are not a killjoy God. In fact you remove what kills joy. So although you never forbid having crushes, I know you are concerned about how a simple crush can consume a girl, evoke all the longings there, remind her of everything she is not, get all her focus on this other created human more than the Creator.

You are probably smiling at my cuteness and craziness right now...and yet You will close doors no one can open, and open doors no one can close.  And that is where I rest.  Whether it's Paul, a different future, or a  blessed singlehood, that is where I rest, in Your hands. 

And so, in the middle of this in love feeling, I will deal with this desire by severing it with a much bigger desire...your desire for me.

Help me, help me focus on You. Shower my heart with spiritual bouquet of roses and chocolate bars. Woo me, win me again. Oh so satisfy me that I wouldn't be easily distracted. I will look at the stars again tonight and remember that the One who created these magical things is the One who first loved me.

Battles and the Warrior

Do you ever feel God is so distant?  That He orchestrates events to strengthen your character--from afar? Sitting holy and distant in His throne and looking on you as you fight your battles alone?  Our circumstances can be so difficult it is hard to believe God is with us. 

Beloved, that is a lie. Let me share with you 3 things that will shatter that lie.

1. God Himself is a warrior.  

• The Lord is a warrior.  The Lord is His Name. Exodus 15:3

2. God is the one fighting the battles for you.

1. But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God Acts 5:38
2. He said, “Do not be afraid, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” 2 Kings 6:16
3. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14
4. Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s. 2 Chronicles 20:15
5. ...for the Lord your God is he who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies, to give you the victory. Deut 20:4
6. Because the Lord your God walks in the midst of your camp, to deliver you and to give up your enemies before you Deut 23:14
7. It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deut 31:8
8. For you equipped me with strength for the battle; you made those who rise against me sink under me. Psalm 18:39
9. Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Luke 10:19
10. Through you we push down our foes; through your name we tread down those who rise up against us. Psalm 44:5
11. fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10
12. Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. 1 John 4:4
13. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31
14. I will go before you and level the exalted place Isaiah 45:2
15. You shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you.’ Deut 3:22

3. In the heart of the Warrior is YOU.  Inspired by this blog

"That’s how much you mean to me!

That’s how much I love you!

I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,

trade the creation just for you."

- Isaiah 43:4 (MSG)

Weak desires

Struck me how misrepresented You are to us. 

For many years, never did I realize that You are actually a joyful God. 

In fact, your passion for joyful things is so great it cost you Your Son, Your own life. 

The only reason I resisted You was because You seemed to forbid a lot of things.

Casual sex

Alcohol

Drugs

Green jokes

* Prada, Jimmy Choo, Manolo Blahnik

* Apple, Android

I could name a lot of things we give all our hearts to. 

Things we fight with all our heart.

with all our lives. 

Things that cost us everything even our relationships. 

Things that in the end could not satiate the deep hunger in us. 

Things that we really think give us joy. 

Now I know why You say no. 

We are attracted to shallow, temporal and measurable joy

When, really, only One joy is infinite. 

That's You.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” 

- CS Lewis

* God does not exactly forbid these things. 

But when we find satisfaction in them more than in Him, 

that's when God opposes it.

A puddle of grasp of an ocean of love

I wasn't purchased 

with gold or silver. 

I was purchased 

by the blood 

of the Son of the Most High.

So much was paid 

for a worthless speck of dust 

like me.

And I thought 

the sea was too great, 

when what I'm looking at 

was just a tiny piece 

of the waters of the earth.

The same way I am overwhelmed 

with Your love 

I think already oh so big 

when, really, this is but 

a glimpse.

Keep it to yourself

Last night, I ended up sleeping on our couch because I was so tired.  My sister who got home in the middle of the night, loves to watch movies and that she did. Unfortunately, she chose to watch The Avengers.  The noise and bass made me toss and turn until I couldn't bear it any longer and was wide awake under the covers.  My sister didn't notice me because she was enjoying the movie. 

I vividly remember this strong force in me to not say a thing and just go inside the bedroom and continue my disrupted sleep there.  But the rotten attitude in me wanted to punish her with guilt by telling her accusingly what she put me through. 

And so I did. I told her. In an petulant and harsh manner because I was all ticked off. 

It set off an air of animosity on an early Monday morning. I ate my breakfast in silence and she prepared for bed in silence too.  



After I finished my breakfast, I put on my favorite series of all time, Scrubs, and was struck by the episode I randomly chose.




The episode was about four people who did something nice but had to pay for it.





1. JD asked his best friend Turk to spend time with him on Turk's day off.  Because of that Turk was not able to finish his pile of work he usually finishes on his off.

source

2.  Cox who enjoys being feared by his subordinates makes his wife happy by going out on a couple's date with an intern.  This intern told his fellow interns about that night and how Cox was forced to be in a conversation with him. When Cox shows up at work the following day, the interns no longer fear him, and even boldly try to be in a conversation with him.  

source

3. Carla runs interference for her boss whose dog died. Her tough boss did not want his staff to see him this vulnerable so Carla was tasked to talk to people on his behalf.  Unfortunately, his boss hardly said yes to any of the requests of his staff.  So Carla spent the whole day rejecting requests. When she took a lunch break and sat with her colleagues, they all stood up and moved to another table.  They all hated her. 

source

In the middle of the episode, the narrator asked, "Was it worth it?"



This was answered by the fourth person in the story.  He donated half of his liver to his brother who was sick but it almost cost him his life.  

On the morning after the surgery, his surgeon visited him and asked:

Turk: Did your brother freak out when you told him you almost died?
Patient: I didn't tell Frank.  Look at him so happy. If he knew what I went through he'd feel terrible. Why would I wanna do that when I love him so much.



Needless to say, after watching the episode it reminded me of the incident with my sister this morning.  It made me realize that sometimes keeping it to yourself is more loving than some acts of kindness.  It's a small form of sacrifice. 


My rotten attitude stinks like hell and I wish I could get rid of it so I could be more loving because I want my life to be God-glorifying.  In Jesus, I never, ever feel God accusing me of my wrong attitude. Instead, I feel His fatherly love wanting to fix all the bad gunk in my heart. All I need to do is approach the Throne of grace because no matter how I try, I will never defeat the sinful nature in me on my own. 

Missing cash

When someone stole the cash in the safe where my sister works she, along with her co-managers, were detained and questioned.  It was 19 days before her wedding which I have been organizing in the last four months.  It was supposed to be a surprise renewal of vows that her husband wants to give her during their visit in Manila last month. But because of the problem that Ate encountered at work, it was no longer a surprise. 

I was going to bbm her to ask her to bring mini-chocolates that I will use on the wedding table when I noticed that her bbm status said, "In times like this, You are in control."

I asked her what's with her status and that's when she told me what happened. Someone in their company stole the cash.  All managers are suspect.  She was detained inside the precinct for 7 hours and we exchanged bbm messages the entire 7 hours praising God, trusting that He will vindicate the innocent, confident that this incident is not something that God overlooked. 

Still, there's no brushing off the nervousness. 

What's going to happen to the wedding?

Are they gonna take my ate's job away?

Are they going to throw them into prison?

I will never forget the look on her face the following evening when she made an overseas call to Manila to ask me to go on Skype. She burst into tears as she pleaded with me to cancel everything because they're not letting her go home.

But my heart was steadfast in the Lord, trusting Him. I know He never miscalculates. I know He's the authority of all authorities. I know He's attracted to the oppressed.  I know the wedding is not my plan nor my brother-in-law's plan. It's His. So I was absolutely "un-hopeless".  Nervous, yes. But trusting. 

They took my sister's passport away. And they gave her and the others two options only: prosecution and jail or pay the missing cash.

For days, we kept praying. One afternoon that week, she bbm'd me saying that they're on their way to sign a paper agreeing to pay. I sent lotsa bbm saying to wait for the Lord.  My belief was God is ultra-generous. He will vindicate my sister without costing her money.  But my sister said she felt that that's what she needed to do and she found peace in it. 

So they signed and then she was allowed to go home, 3 days before her wedding. 

I consulted with my small group because I was a little confused with what happened.

Why would God allow this inconvenience if the wedding is His idea after all? Why let ate pay?

Their answers,

1. That nation loves obedience. Ate, like her Savior, displayed humility and obedience instead of defiance.  The character of her Savior shined in her before these people who haven't heard about Jesus.

2. She paid for what she didn't owe, trusting God will replace it, even in doubles.

3. God didn't waste her money. He used the opposition to build a muscles of faith in Ate.

As Ate was quoted as saying on the dawn of her wedding day, when she and our other sister went down to the beach and lifted up our hands in worship. 
God, through this missing cash, taught her dependence on Him. 
That He easily gave this job to her and He can easily take it away. 

Her faith in Him is more precious than that missing cash.

"These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold..."

- 1 Peter 1:7

What makes me busy

Today, as I relish my day off, I realize that my facebook and internet activities are ABOUT the things that I value in my life.

God

Family

Relatives

Small group

Girlfriends

Kids Church

Education

These are where my time and energy and resources mostly go.  Not via facebook literally, hehe. 

So when there's an invitation that's not part of this list, they go to the bottom of my priorities.  If an office mate would invite me to watch movies after work on a Saturday, I remember my nephew Nate who stays with us during the weekends and how I only have four opportunities in one month to build a relationship with him.  

Or if cliques from high school would meet up for a drink on a night when I don't have to go anywhere, I imagine the expenses that can buy dinner for the family instead or that can buy something for a lonely tita that I care about.

See,  there are things that I don't do in order to do well what I need to do.  

We only have one life, 16 waking hours, two day off's a week and two paydays in a month.  

And we would want to make the most of it.

What, get a life?

I am.

This is my life: God, my loved-ones, my dreams.  These make me happy.  To live a life dedicated to building relationships within my ability and magnify Jesus' Name in stewardship and relationships.  And until He tells me to come and jump off the boat to a greater territory and greater responsibility, this is where I'm staying.  

- For where your treasure is there your heart will be -

Luke 12:34

Lovely

I attended my friend's child's Dedication Day.  I don't see this person regularly and in the last few years I only saw her once a year so I made it a point to go to this occasion because she means a lot to me. 


She was so busy mingling with guests so I sat at the corner and quietly finished my meal.  But as I was watching her, I felt slightly overwhelmed as I recalled the past.  How much this person has done for me sort of sank in again. 


Sometime in your past there's a person who listened up to the wee hours of night at some curb whose silence was occasionally disturbed by a Taho vendor.


A person who always shared her lunch and refused to eat when you promised yourself to be shy because this lunch-sharing has been going on for weeks now because you were struggling financially.


That person who was perfectly content watching you as you "roll with your cooler friends" 
but always ready, as in I-got-your-back ready, when the cooler friends walk away. 


Who sat still as you incoherently cried out all the pain...and never left even if you have told the story five times that night.


Who invited you to stay at their already crowded little home when you've nowhere else to go.


Had nothing and still gave the little money she had stashed in her closet.



Lovely, isn't it?


That's right. She is Lovely.




Lovely is the kind of person who seems to live her life operating on this specific task from God: 






Show this person that I love her.




(And although this post is about Lovely my friend, I couldn't help but linger on that last thought. God is so like that. He sends people to us, people who will love us.  It sounds cliche of Him, right? Well, think of it this way. Would you employ so many people to serve and love a person who wronged you in every way? I doubt it. But God is like that. He makes His sun rise on His enemies as well.) 




I want to be a Lovely too in other people's lives. I want to have a heart like she does. 

A glimpse at a gift

source

That's exactly what it feels like.  




Today, it struck me (after getting out of the bathroom I had to pause from changing clothes and went to a spot where I cried and thanked Jesus repetitively) to realize how these specific prayers in the past are underway:


1. Prayer: My cousin ate Mitch and her family to be found by Christ and to know God for who He really is.


What's happening now: 
All the kids in their household were sent to a kids bible camp of CCF and they plan to do this again.  One of the teens wants to join Kids Church in teaching kids.




2. Prayer: Mocha to be delivered from her relationship with a same-sex friend


What's happening now: 
They broke up last week.  6 months ago when we were relaxing in a resort Mocha said that if she will pray to God her prayer would be, "Lord if You think this relationship is not right, take it away. But let it come from her not me because I can't leave her." And in February of this year her partner got attracted to a young girl and began building relationship in the last two months with that young girl while she's still with Mocha.




3. Prayer: Lord save my family. Let them enjoy Your glory while they are still on earth.


What's happening now: 
My youngest sister accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior last year. 
My older sister was awestruck in January of this year when what Jesus did on the cross sunk in and she is slowly but steadily getting to know more about God. 
My mom listens and participates in our discussions about God and I couldn't help but notice how she agrees with what's being taught in the church that we go to which was different from her church.
It is very, very difficult for me to honor my parents because of our dark past. But my perfect Father in heaven is enabling me, slowly but steadily, to honor my earthly parents.  When I was in high school i would tell the people I know that I don't have a mom because of this hatred for her.  A week ago I posted a picture of her that has her best angle in my facebook wall. People liked the picture. But beyond that picture where people cannot see was a startling reality that I love my mom and when before I was ashamed of her now I want to brag about her.




I am expectant, gleefully waiting to watch God bring supernatural levels of reconciliation in my family. 








Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 
-Romans 12:12

If there's one thing I don't want to forget

I so relish the rare moments of having our house to myself.


It's Sunday and we would probably celebrate mothers' day later this evening because mom is still asleep. But when I woke up there's only one thing I'm itching to do.


The first thing I saw is the T.V. that is in stand by, the DVD player is still plugged in from where I last left it last night, and the DVD itself is paused at the credits of the last episode I watched last night. 


It will just take two buttons to get this started again.

source

I will never get tired of watching them over and over but not today because it's Sunday. 

Although I only have two rest days per week I don't like the only other day for God to be used for something else (I don't like it but I don't always do it) 

Whenever I go to church without filling my mind with the things of God first it sort of throws me off.  It's like coming to church just like going to work: perfunctory. 

Let me put it this way, whenever I start my day praying, playing worship songs and praising God or listening to podcasts and not doing anything else (like blogging), I have a stronger sense of God. I go to church with feelings to it and it feels very much like going to a place to meet and be with someone you love.

Someone said that God does not have recollection issues of who He is, we do.

And yes, I forget all the time. 

I forget that He works all things for those who love Him when things go wrong.

I forget that greater is He in me than he that is in this world whenever I'm afraid.

I forget He is the provider whenever I'm hesitating to give my savings to someone needing money.

I forget the goodness of God whenever I watch the news...forgetting that He is not slow in keeping His promise, He is actually patient with us FOR OUR SAKE, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to repent.

I forget that He nailed every sin on the cross whenever I'm too ashamed for my sins

I forget that He is not human like us with moody and conditional love. His is steadfast. 

And I forget each time I wake up that every day He withholds everything I deserve because of my sins. I forget that His mercy is new every morning. 

So F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and even catching up on my pending blogs will have to wait for my me-time later tonight. Come to think of it, I typed the last paragraph above and already it took my appetite away from wordly things that steal my heart away from God.  I read what I typed it brought tears to my eyes recalling how great, how good, how loving our God is! I found myself singing in front of my PC (with my voice breaking) the chorus of

"...His mercy never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness oh Lord...great is Thy faithfulness."

Psalm 139--a comfort even in daily trivialities

A large chunk of my score card at work depends on the result of customer surveys on my service.  The clincher is, no matter how you give your best, if the customer doesn’t feel like it, you will always get a zero.  

Earlier today we had our team meeting and I was bummed out because I received my first survey score out of the 4 surveys this month and it's a fail.  I knew already how it will significantly affect my scorecard and my incentives and it’s hard to be cheerful that moment.  After our meeting, I took my lunch break inside our company’s prayer room and talked to my Father in heaven. I told Him that I will need three perfect 10’s in order to maintain my high scores.  But I also told Him (more like reminding myself) that He is my boss and I will praise Him whether I flunk or I pass.  After lunch, we received an email on the latest update on our survey scores for the entire month.

And guess what? Three perfect 10’s for me!

I blinked back tears when it dawned on me that He has long answered my prayer before I even uttered it.

I couldn’t feel more secure than when I strongly feel that God is involved even in little events in my life.  Not just as a Spectator watching me quietly as I pray but Someone who..

knows when I sit down or stand up

knows my thoughts even when I’m far away

knows everything I do and what I am going to say even before I say it

goes before me and follows me

recorded every day of my life before it even happened.

Yes, it’s Psalm 139.  And like I said in my blog in the past, no one ever is going to be more involved in my life or your life than the Person described in this passage. 

Read it. Meditate it.  Even alter the pronouns and make it seem as if God’s talking to you.

I love it when He woos.  He’s the only Wooer who means every word.

His love is too lofty to understand!