"I'm God's girl. One pretty enough, smart enough, and just enough to bring Him delight."





Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts

I hate my bestfriend's boyfriend

Today, I feel very convicted. It was my friendt R's bday and I dread seeing her boyfriend there.  Just like any blood and tight girlfriends, i'm protective of her. I think R is too good for her. He was separated, focused on his collection of chickens more than the annulment and he swears a lot and said a lot of obscene words to R when he accused her of changing his facebook password. My point is, if he is treating her that way already out of a very trivial matter then how is he going to react or treat her if it is a huge matter. Would he start beating up R soon? So i refused to be in the same room with her boyfriend...so much i was willing to miss Z's baby shower and R's 30th bday.

Good thing Z did not invite him.  But he did show up at R's bday of course.  I didn't know how to act around him. I don't want to be friendly lest he thinks everything's ok and hurting R again will be ok. So i did what every coward girl would do: pretend he did not exist. Not even if he was standing right there before me.  And in that brief moment i felt the firm tugs of conviction.

As we made our way to our car, i kept thinking about what just happened. We were on our way to attend the 8pm service and it was a good 30 minute drive...enough for God to talk to me.
  1. God calls me to forgive...not to save.
  2. Jesus would never ignore any person
  3. I can be there for R without necessarily agreeing with her
  4. R is too good for him but Jesus is too good for me too, isn't he? Yet Jesus entered into a relationship with me anyway.


"Do you still love me?"


She was rebellious when she was young. 
She couldn't remember how many times she ran away from her parents. She wouldn't see them for weeks and months.
One day, she was sitting atop the stairs of a hotel when her daddy found her. He asked softly, "Anak, do you still love me?"

She was irritated. She moved away stomping her feet. She hopped on a car and looked back at her daddy and saw him exactly how she left him, sitting there, looking confused and sad.  As the car took her away, he became a smaller and smaller figure until he vanished from her sight.

Years later she has gotten over the "running away" phase but was still rebellious this time directly against the One who created her. She ran away from Him all her life thinking she didn't need Him in her life. 

One day, she was sitting in a cafeteria inside a building. She needed to consult a professional regarding an ethical decision that needed to be made. But the man instead explained to her how hopeless she was because of those terrible things she did.  She felt fear quickly filling her up like water being poured over a glass. 
Fear of hopelessness. 
Fear of punishment. 
Fear of eternal damnation.
Fear of God.
Tears were welling up.
The man continued. 
The cafeteria was noisy and her tears were blurring everything.
But she heard the man say,
"...He died for you while you were still a sinner."

It reminded her of how a loving father sat beside a rebellious daughter atop the stairs of a hotel in the 90's. 
But in that cafeteria, with all her sins laid bare on the table, God too asked her what her daddy asked back then.
  
Except that it was a slightly different question. 

"Do you know I still love you?"



When you have turned...


I was having daily dose of stuff from desiringgod.org when this single verse stopped me in my mental tracks.





"But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail.  
And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." 
Luke 22:31





I paused long enough to gaze at the beauty of Jesus.  Life is distracting already as it is that's why I cherish these pauses. 


Fresh from my heart, without proofreading or editing, are some of the thoughts below that come to mind as I read and re-read that text.


1. Why, Jesus is the King of the universe! Why He isn't arrogant or sarcastic or power-tripping on Simon? Why doesn't He make sumbat?




2. Jesus is so humble!




3. "...And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." 


Oh those words! So loving! So patient! So forgiving!
Jesus knows Simon will deny Him in just a few hours. But why is He so gentle, so loving? If you read the first part of the text, Jesus says, "Simon, Simon, Satan demanded to have you...."  In the bible, whenever God calls a person by his/her name twice it's always in the context of a loving patience. Sort of like an endearment. 




4. Can't help but relate it to my own life. I'm only 27 years old. There are thousands of sins that I will do starting this very moment up to the day I draw my last breath. Who knows how terrible they may get? 




5. But God knows. He knows what will happen on each day of my life before it happens (Psalm 139:16) But why this so much love? Why be forgiven in advance? Why make the highest value of heavens enter this ugly world? 




6. So it shakes me to the core whenever this thought sinks in:  what kind of God He is.




7.  I look at the Cross and there I find the answer.









Humility that belittles


I texted sorry to papa because I feel that my tone is masungit while we're clarifying some details earlier today. 

I usually just pretend nothing happened whenever I become rude to my parents and would vow to do something nice for them to assuage the guilt but today something nagged at me that I might have hurt his feelings when he was just trying to help. So I txtd him.

I was walking briskly inside MOA with the walk of a person who knows where she's headed and was nervously expecting a reply that would reprimand my rudeness.  Instead I received this message. 


"Don't mind it."


In that brief moment, I felt a strong mixture of belonging to someone who doesn't demand I explain my behavior, someone who doesn't want me to carry the burden of offending him...someone who's quick to forgive me.

I couldn't help but remember (and be ashamed) why there are many moments in my prayer life when I feel worried that I'm too, too despicable that God wouldn't be able to stand me.  Don't you experience those FALSE ideas playing in our heads while praying?

I pray crying myself to death asking sorry but it feels like God is stone-cold watching me impassively because He's not that big enough to forgive my biggest sin. 

It sometimes makes me feel I am conversing with a parent who refuses to talk so I'm gonna quietly leave the room and do something nice to make up for my being a meanie.

Yes, I do get that feeling. 

In those moments, I am maybe praying intensely and poring over the bible solemnly BUT without realizing I am actually belittling God-- especially what He did on the cross!

And I feel worse than an active notorious murderer!

At least, that notorious murderer is likely ignorant of Jesus or else he would have quit. But me, I hear Jesus every sunday, I read blogs of pastors regularly but still I am strongly inclined to belittle this God I claim to be the greatest in all universe!

I'm glad that He knows we tend to pattern His motives with our nature that He encourages us with this:


"If you then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven..."Luke 11:13


 And Eliphaz would have rebuked me with,


"Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can a man be more pure than his Maker?"Job 4:17


I pray that God would never stop giving me realizations like this and would rebuke me even right in the middle of praying to remind me that not all prayers are good however heartfelt. 


I should stay away from prayers that do nothing but insult the heart of my Father in heaven. 




"The fastest way to kill your prayer life is to combine small thoughts about God with big thoughts about self." 
- Ptr. Rich blaylock





Misdirected sincerity


I remember a story told by a pastor. There was a man who took his wife out on an overnight getaway for their anniversary. He wooed her, charmed her, praised her beauty and made lambing to her.


He told her, “I remember when I first saw you in that restaurant. Your hair looked so beautiful under the bright chandelier.” 


The wife didn’t respond.


The husband continued, “You were so good in writing poetries back then. I wonder why you no longer show them to me lately.”


The wife didn’t respond.


The husband, getting discouraged, asked, “Are you upset with me because we didn’t go to your favorite getaway for our anniversary?”


Suddenly, the wife got angry and before she walked out she said in tears, "I haven't been to that restaurant! I never write poetry! And THIS IS my favorite getaway!" 


Turned out that the husband was referring to a different woman all this time.


The pastor said, “You see, the praises were real. The praises were sincere and heartfelt. But it’s for the wrong person. And sometimes we praise God for something that we make Him out to be and not for who He really is.“




I saw this example in my life just last Sunday. My lola and some of my titas almost wrote me and several of my family members off because of some misunderstandings in the past. Being a lola of course she wouldn’t make the first move to reach out and we refused too so we never visited their place for a long time now.


Last Sunday I summoned all the guts that I have and visited her and my tita. That is like with God.  His relationship with you will also translate into your other relationships.  Even those you don't like. I didn't want ever to go to my lola's house but there's this persistent, gentle beckoning in my heart and so we went.


I oh so dreaded the moment of reaching for her hand so I can bow my head to it (a Filipino tradition of showing respect to the elderly). 


I prayed and prayed hard for grace. When I got there, my lola had just left but I was able to straighten things out with my tita. I went home saying thanks because God answered my prayer and protected me from an encounter with my lola.




Until His still voice spoke in my heart.




That’s not like God at all. God is for restoring relationships. Getting at their house right after lola left is not the answer to my prayer because it’s not going to fix the relationship at all. Real grace that would come from Him is one that you experience right in the battlefield…right when you’re petrified and stubbornly refusing to do what will bring Him glory and you do not have anyone else to back you up.




I pray that one day God will fix this gap in our family. 




After all, all stories in Christ are victorious. 



Sorry cupcake


Edgy because both Jen and I were sleepless and stressed with bills, we spoke to each other in harsh tones and slept on it. 


I didn't see her when I got home from work. She must've stayed out late. When I woke up the next day, I didn't see her again. But I saw these cupcakes on our dining table. 


I love Sonja's


Papa need not tell me that Jen left it for me. I knew right away.  I realized that Jen and I have unconsciously started this habit of leaving cupcakes in the fridge or on the table as a way of saying sorry.


So I sent her the following text message:


"Ancient kings offer rare spices and jewelry.


Natives perform tribal dances.


Governments sign treaty of peace.


Pirates wave white flags.




...but the Liboon sisters leave cupcakes on the dining table as a sign that the war is over.  


Thank you friend. :)"


Little enemies


I woke up early this morning from a burning headache last night. The first thing I realized was being buried in thick blankets when I was supposed to be wrapping up calls in the office. That jolted me up from bed. 


I went through last night's events in haze. I remember my kuya waking me up twice to get ready for work. I remember texting-in sick to my boss while half-asleep and half-awake. I remember mama asking me money for her medicine but I was just too knocked out from a pounding headache.


As I was changing my HMO password online this morning, I thought about mom if she was able to buy her meds last night.  I remember calling her from the doctor's clinic earlier that day because I needed my HMO card number but I left my card at home. I flashed an uneasy smile at the receptionist who was doodling around the appointment list, ready to put an X on my name while I waited for mama to get out of bed and find my HMO card.


But Mama couldn't muster the strength to get out of bed because she's been having sleep disorder lately. I toyed with the idea that last night she must've understood what it felt like waking up someone especially a sick person that she didn't press me further for money even though she herself badly needs to buy her meds.



That made me realize something important I had to type it before I lose it.


Everyone knows the Nazis or the ampatuans.  There's also the Mean girls in school or the politicians in the office; the nosy relatives and the backstabber neighbors.


You do not need to identify who the enemies are because they are flagrantly attacking you or your loved-ones. But this we know, in the face of the enemies, your family or your team becomes solidly one. A fierce protectiveness swells up and a course of action is planned or even taken at once to protect your family.


That's pretty much how it works. 


These are big enemies, threatening yourself and your loved-ones but I realized that little enemies can be as deadly.  Especially those invisible ones.



We all have invisible, little enemies.  They lurk around your household, nudge invisibly in your friendship and one day even explodes unannounced in a relationship.  They are faceless, nameless little ones that the victims would sometimes not be even aware that they exist even after the relationship already crumbled.


Little enemies that if not exposed may slowly break down the fortresses of your relationship.


I am going to dare name a few in some of my relationships.



Sleep - everyone lately seems to be deprived of sleep, that if it's so much as disrupted, all hell would break loose. And if it does, sleep becomes more precious than your loved-one you once swore you'd take the bullet for.  The one who disturbs your sleep suddenly becomes the enemy and gets the overbearing treatment.


Internet - can blind you from what really matters on that particular day in that particular moment. Suddenly, without you realizing it, the need to go online feels like a priority.  A sister making lambing to watch movies na lang gets a soft sarcasm.


The "pampasira-sa-plan" friend - everyone's excited on a supposedly fool-proof plan but here comes the friend who is late or who suddenly shows up without the discussed gift. So the invisible enemy slowly attacks the moods.
The get-together was first served a cold treatment for appetizers. 


The consumer relative - before, he is a family. But when he loses his job and does nothing but to take and take, he's slowly forming into a nuisance.  The invisible enemy starts to work around your impulses to give, your mental what-i've-given-him-already list, your complaint list, etc.



I do not have a cure or techniques or solution for this because I'm not a pro. But I wanna drive this thought home with this:  Identifying who are your real enemies provides a better line of defense.

After all,  if we're protective of our loved-ones when big enemies attack, these invisible little enemies should also be dealt with. The relationship needs to be defended from them as well.


Where's the best place to start drawing your defenses from? 


Go back to the basics: Jesus' precepts. The only precept whose bottom line is love.


Dad stops the fight between two sisters


On a beautiful morning, a failed promise made me blow my top.  I yelled at my sister for a 10minute peace alone in the bedroom because I was seething with anger. I slammed the door after her.  I felt hot tears of anger on my face.  The next thing I know was waking up at 7 in the evening. I gargled, turned on the PC right away and sent a bitchy fb message to jenny as if there was no 8 hour sleep in between. 

The next morning, I had planned on quickly checking my facebook but ended up sending another message to my sister: 


Hi sis, 

Please disregard the letter above because of the conversation below:



Him: why are you angry again?


Me: because to be behind on all household bills together is one thing. and completely another, to be the only one worrying about it while the other earners in the family have the choice to give how much they can give. it's as if i don't have a choice. it's as if my salary is spoken for.


Him: why are you angry again?


Me: I just said...


Him: ..that you're worrying? Would you be angry if you're not worrying? Would you be worrying if you did not forget about Me and what I can do in your family?


me: I'm just getting them to work with me. But it's not working, Lord. I tried. I wrote them so many letters.


me: So now I plan to teach them a lesson. The hard way. I want na maputulan kami ng kuryente. I want angry letters from the landlady. I want dry faucets. And I'll save the money in my bank. I bet that'll teach them a lesson. When they learned the lesson then I'll help them pay everything with the money I saved.


Him: ...and be uncomfortable at home? Live in a house full of stressed people? and make it easier for everyone to be angry and impatient with each other?


me: just teaching them a lesson


Him: They might get the lesson. But what do you think is going to happen to the relationship?


me: Lord, this is hard....



Him: Pray. Pray for cheerfulness to serve your family. Stay in that situation. It might get harder down the road, you will not know. But stay in that situation. Wait until I'm done. If you stay and trust, I will turn your pain into praises. 


me: How do I stay, Lord?


Him: Love...




I did not pray, sis. I don't know how in the world a conversation just occured between God and me in my heart when I was in the middle of angrily making plans. Plans to hurt you guys to make a point. I even planned to move in with my officemate. But for every plan I was devising, that "small voice" we're so familiar with kept butting in. Some call it conscience or guilt. But I recognize the voice of the Shepherd who's at work in my heart...my heart that's oh so full of panunumbat at pagkkwenta.


Amazing that even when you hide from Him because you're misbehaving, He brings you back to His embrace.  Do you believe that God embraces you even when you're angry and wickedly cold? 



The dialogue above (though I used rhetorics) pretty much summarizes what God's embrace entails. 


Wrong brand of napkins, grrr!!!!


Does it often happen to you? You know when someone did you a favor but causing you inconvenience in the process? Like the mom who had the laundry picked up which included your blue cardigan that’s supposed to complete your ensemble that day? Or the sister who bought the wrong brand of napkins?


Sounds bratty?


Come on, every once in a while something can tick us off. After all, we don’t live in a perfect world where pet peeves don’t exist. Do you notice how we tend to dramatize our reasons or be protective of our convenience that a mere slight needs to be punished or at least verbalized?  So before we can even stop ourselves there goes a glare, a sharp tone, a hint of sarcasm, etc.   

I deserve to be angry!
My reaction is understandable!
I'm sure you can appreciate my frustration!


But peeve is actually beside my point. It is gratefulness that I am driving at.


Something about being grateful struck me when I recalled those incidents in my examples above. I was so bent on expressing my annoyance that it didn't even occur to me that mom made an effort to take care of our laundry or my sister was just trying to do what she’s told.


So it got me into thinking...we express gratefulness in several ways but I don't think it is defined just by profusely thanking a person. Perhaps it's embodied in the sayings “one good turn deserves another” and "paying it forward".  But for me there’s a deeper form of gratefulness than these.


I think the true test of gratefulness lies in the capacity to forgive.


Because, really, when you think about it gratefulness isn’t something that can be seen with a naked eye like giving special treatment to the person you’re grateful to. The real beauty of gratefulness is something that only you and the Lord can see. And it is best provoked when you’re provoked. It’s being on the verge to snap at someone yet you control yourself.  It is cutting the other person some slack because you remember something that you have anyway, like the laundry being taken care of even if it spoiled your Tuesday getup.  It’s choking back harsh words because you choose to be grateful for the favors instead.


What, am I supposed to force myself to be kind now to this irritating person just because I’m grateful to another? Hey, it's not wrong to be irritated sometimes, right?


I asked myself as I write this.


Not entirely accurate. More like irritated or not I can choose to motivate myself to be as kind as I could not because of the other person but because of the Source of all favors.


The Cross is an active reminder of showing kindness to our neighbor. It strengthens us to be forgiving and also reminds us that we were shown kindness first…kindness that we do not, ever, deserve.




“Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’
- Matthew 18:32-35







** Dedicated to mom and my sister – two of the dearest people in my life yet always get the worst of me **


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