Nervous speaker

I had my speech demo today. If i pass this i will get a training on communication skills courtesy of my company. I was ready to invest money on a speech club and here is a free training knocking on my door. But of all days, I started the day wrong today. First, I woke up late after staying up till 5 in the morning finishing the last leg of our 3 week old laundry. Then, I had a coat and shoes crisis. And then i became frustrated I didn't have enough time to spend time with God, and not enough time to practice my prepared speech. I was in a surly mood as I pressured everybody to get in the car. My family was gracious. Mom did not aggravate the pressure I was feeling. Jen prayed for my speech demo before papa drove off. Papa drove really fast trying to get me there on time.

By the time I arrived at the venue, my nervousness has catapulted to a level that is physically weakening. I had a few more minutes to practice so I started cramming. But a sleepy feeling suddenly embraced me. I whispered to God that I couldn't do this. Help me.

When my name was called, i started out as nervous like any normal human being. Then my nervousness dissolved. And i was speaking. Then, I took my notes away and I spoke. I smiled, I gestured, i looked at the eyes of the interviewers. I had vivid recollection of my material. And I just went on and on.

That is not to say the interviewers did not find areas for opportunity.  They did. But the point is, there's this peace that is beyond understanding that took over.

My God never fails. He came through for me. He is always ready to help...always glad to help.

9/22 4:47
CBTL, Burgos Circle

When it feels like you disciple in vain

Missing cash

When someone stole the cash in the safe where my sister works she, along with her co-managers, were detained and questioned.  It was 19 days before her wedding which I have been organizing in the last four months.  It was supposed to be a surprise renewal of vows that her husband wants to give her during their visit in Manila last month. But because of the problem that Ate encountered at work, it was no longer a surprise. 

I was going to bbm her to ask her to bring mini-chocolates that I will use on the wedding table when I noticed that her bbm status said, "In times like this, You are in control."

I asked her what's with her status and that's when she told me what happened. Someone in their company stole the cash.  All managers are suspect.  She was detained inside the precinct for 7 hours and we exchanged bbm messages the entire 7 hours praising God, trusting that He will vindicate the innocent, confident that this incident is not something that God overlooked. 

Still, there's no brushing off the nervousness. 

What's going to happen to the wedding?

Are they gonna take my ate's job away?

Are they going to throw them into prison?

I will never forget the look on her face the following evening when she made an overseas call to Manila to ask me to go on Skype. She burst into tears as she pleaded with me to cancel everything because they're not letting her go home.

But my heart was steadfast in the Lord, trusting Him. I know He never miscalculates. I know He's the authority of all authorities. I know He's attracted to the oppressed.  I know the wedding is not my plan nor my brother-in-law's plan. It's His. So I was absolutely "un-hopeless".  Nervous, yes. But trusting. 

They took my sister's passport away. And they gave her and the others two options only: prosecution and jail or pay the missing cash.

For days, we kept praying. One afternoon that week, she bbm'd me saying that they're on their way to sign a paper agreeing to pay. I sent lotsa bbm saying to wait for the Lord.  My belief was God is ultra-generous. He will vindicate my sister without costing her money.  But my sister said she felt that that's what she needed to do and she found peace in it. 

So they signed and then she was allowed to go home, 3 days before her wedding. 

I consulted with my small group because I was a little confused with what happened.

Why would God allow this inconvenience if the wedding is His idea after all? Why let ate pay?

Their answers,

1. That nation loves obedience. Ate, like her Savior, displayed humility and obedience instead of defiance.  The character of her Savior shined in her before these people who haven't heard about Jesus.

2. She paid for what she didn't owe, trusting God will replace it, even in doubles.

3. God didn't waste her money. He used the opposition to build a muscles of faith in Ate.

As Ate was quoted as saying on the dawn of her wedding day, when she and our other sister went down to the beach and lifted up our hands in worship. 
God, through this missing cash, taught her dependence on Him. 
That He easily gave this job to her and He can easily take it away. 

Her faith in Him is more precious than that missing cash.

"These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold..."

- 1 Peter 1:7

Philippines

As much as bulok and a laggard of Asia the

Philippines has been, I'm a Christian first, Filipino second. 

So it's easy to doubt that the president now can do what the others didn't. 

But it's much easier to believe that change can happen because I have a great God who can redeem and restore a nation.

#crazyenoughtobelieve

Mighty display of faith

 The girl in the picture passes by that CRV on her way to church almost every sunday. 

She prays (and yes lays hand on it) that the owner would be blessed

with a better car so that the one in the picture will be hers. :D

Van's prayer and Doc Gen's car

I will go back to this post as soon as God answers this prayer (expectant!) :)

Generosity

I appreciate so much the way Pastor Joey Bonifacio unpacks a single Bible verse to the congregation.  I am grateful that VCF Fort started saving live streams.

This is my first attempt to copy Pastor Joey's notes from the big screen and some of what he said at the pulpit (verbatim) and mix it with what God's revealing to me.

This topic is about Generosity.

The mindset that God broke for me is that Generosity is not about the money that I have, skills, availability, genuine desire to help.  I never connect generosity to faith. In this message, God showed me that generosity is only BY FAITH.

:)

PS. When before I always felt big inside and happy that I am fulfilling my obligations and I always felt confident that I am pleasing God for giving my whole tithe to His church and doing something for Him, at the end of this Sunday service, I remember feeling puny and worthless when I placed my tithe in the tithe bag. I was immediately emptied of the "good" things I've done and was filled with the good things God did for me.

Resources:

Victory Christian Fellowship Series "Abraham's School of Finance"

Nov 27, 2011, VCF Fort

Live Stream Video: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/18771934

Bible Verse: Genesis 22:1-15

Ultraman

Huge ship chains.  Have you seen one of those? I wonder what would it sound like if you were to snap those chains as if it were a twig. Of course there's no such sound because no one can snap these giant twigs. 

But I heard that sound. That breaking sound. I did. I heard that sound in the life of the most neurotic girl I have ever known. Me. Through Jesus, God broke some of the chains in my life that have been limiting me. FEAR.

Now the following disorder might strike you as weird but hey we all have that little weird in us. 

1. Plug-o-phobia - fear of magsaksak sa outlet (my parents feared that I would be that abnormal the rest of my life. I once had to invite a neighbor in because I wanted to watch tv but I had to ask the neighbor to plug it for me.)

2. SOCOlogy - abnormal fear of crime (emphasis on the word 'abnormal' bec everybody fears crime...but not as sick as I did)

3. Dashboard confessional - fearing that I will go to hell because in my hour of death there won't be any dashboard confessional with a priest available to listen to me confess my sins.

There are other fears that I'm still waiting for God to shatter completely. For example, my ULTRAMANism which is fear of mountains that pretend to be mountains at night but really is Ultraman looming large before me. 

Or fear of sea where Ultraman might suddenly jump out of the water.  No, really, that's how I feel even at this good age of 27.  I got ultramanistic at Kennon road when I went home from Baguio last New Year and when I watched Poseidon a few days ago. 

Sometimes I'm bigger than my imaginary Ultraman. But often Ultraman is bigger than me. I shrink back in fear. Although I'm not totally healed from this fear, I kinda like it. I like it not because it scares the heck out of me just thinking of how big Ultraman can get but because it makes my God all the more majestic. As big as any fear is I am glad to remember the truth that nothing can get bigger than my God. 

So, what do you do when God doesn't remove your fears? 

Use it to glorify God. 

In the middle of fear remember who your God is and fear will melt into worship. :)

2x + 6a equals, "Tutor, I don't know..." (blush)

DEAD!

Chasing after my 10 year-old dead dream...so hard, I'm scared. It's taking so long, I'm scared. Something might go wrong, I'm scared.  Holding on to Dad above, the only One who's able to give life to the dead (even dead dreams) and calls those things which do not exist (like a college diploma) as though they did.

-(romans 4:17)

My Dad above who has incredible dreams for me (1 Corinth 2:9)

AFRAID!

Fear is always related to future events.

"We may never know what the future holds, but at least we know Who holds it."(pastor paolo)

I know that God will not demand for me to be INSTANTLY and PERFECTLY brave at ALL TIMES in going after my dreams. But He will journey with me, instructing me and teaching me in the way I should go. And like a loving Dad that He is, His eyes will be upon me as I go (Psalm 32:8)

So if i get afraid...I will remember WHO is it that's walking with me, WHO is it that never leaves me nor forsakes me and then fear will melt into worship. 

EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANT!

“Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all

that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us…”

- Ephesians 3:20

"Dream big because your God is bigger than your biggest dream."

- The Fire House

I can forget all the equations and formulas but I will remember Your promises. I'm going to believe You, Lord. I will move and I will wait. Only through YOU I can do anything. :)

Stop being cheap! LIVE!

It always astounds me when God generously gives you something that you enjoy. Even small things. 

Last weekend, He gave me a vacation. All started out when I was ready to back out because I'm all tapped out and I couldn't pay for the 3k plane ticket. Marianne advised that I just tell Gen (who booked my ticket) the truth and let God decide if I should really join or not. Doc Gen responded that I can pay her back when I'm ready. I didn't tell anyone but I secretly did an ikot-talon yehey.

The best travel agents in the world cannot guarantee an itinerary better than my God can. It's just an ordinary vacation, nothing as grand as the Bahamas cruise or taking on the Swiss Alps. But I went home with more than just my bag filled with wet clothes.

Here we go...

1. Island hopping 

- We encountered a mild downpour, foggy visibility and threatening waves. I kept looking around and there were no boats nearby, no possible lifeline in case we topple over. The closest land was just the silhouette of the mountains east of us which is a visual suggestion of how far it is. That's exactly what's going on in my mind in that moment of fear. I was expecting the worst and my mind was furiously strategizing if in case we did tip over.  Oh no. Hey wait. I have a God remember? So I made a smooth retreat to the back of the boat and started praying Psalm 91.

That's what's expected from a woman of faith, to pray in the middle of fear, right? Wrong.

I looked at the faces of the people on the boat with me. Shivering from cold, laughing over some remembered anecdotes...the faces didn't register any fear at all. When the boat safely docked and my feet touched land, that's when it hit me.

There were just two kinds of Christians on that boat that day: one girl that prays with worry and the rest of the girls laughing comfortably in faith.

 2. Mother Nature 

 - Urband legend, filipino myths, childhood stories ranging from a group of teenagers who got sucked into a menacing current after cursing the sea or the tabi-tabi po chant to ward off dwarfs...these things that were fed into my young brain then formed a decision that I wasn't willing to compromise: 

Nature is scary. 

Leave them alone. You already got the city for your turf, but leave nature alone. It's nature, man! It's out of anyone's control.  But that day in Donsol, another blinder was shattered.  I look back and realize what a fool I've been to be afraid of mother nature when the One who owns mother nature is our heavenly Dad. 

I imagine a carpenter who built a little boat for his son.I couldn't help but wonder what the carpenter must be feeling when he saw his son's eyes lit up as he presented to him his creation. He must be happily waching his son playing with his new toy.  

That's the picture that I want to remember whenever I encounter nature.  Our Father in heaven is so generous to be sharing His creation with us. So there shouldn't be any fear. Nothing screams the work of God's hands better than nature. It's the best moment where you can forget everything and just marvel at God's greatness. 

"The earth is the Lord's, and everything in it, the world and all who live in it; for He founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters."

- Psalm 24:1-2

3. Facebook-driven activities versus the real thing! 

- In my beach travels in the past, the essence of it circled on these items in my to-bring list:

* 5 sets of bikinis for an overnight swim, check.

* blush, lip gloss, hair mist, check.

* outdoor getup and beach night life getup, check.

I could go on and on. I know, I know. It's pathetic to be going to places just so you can flaunt your getups. But in this Donsol trip, I watched the girls with me and noted several things:

- no fuss over the bikinis or make-ups

- but they took advantage of the functionality of their stuff instead: underwater gears, bags, suits, etc.

- no fuss over what to eat or where to eat

- the time spent on activities is greater than the time spent taking pictures

- in short, these girls are after THE REAL THING. 

I remember doc gen's story when she was surfing. She wouldn't let go of her board but the wave activity forced her to. When she finally let go, I don't remember exactly what she said but the gist of it is that the view was a lot better underwater.

Bottomline? Something stirred within me. I've been having a tip of the iceberg contentment. The kind where you would rather stay on the boat and watch your friends swim because of fear. Or picture-taking safely on the shore is preferred than diving. It's like an international food smorgasbord. But I'm just gonna be contented with filipino foods because it's tried and tested.

Which brings me to the best thing that I took home with me. 

4. Realizing the best in life 

- Off the top of my head, I doodled these items in my journal under best things in life: 

travel; coral reefs; family dvd moment versus eat out with friends;  friends who challenge and encourage your faith; etc. 

The point is when you realize what you value or what you should really value, it greatly affects your lifestyle.

Just last sunday Gen said that God promises in the bible LIFE for us. And not just life, but abundant life. (Sorry, gen, you're heavily quoted in this blog :D)

Chamyto said don't make money your problem and don't let money determine how you will maximize life. Don't wait for a perfect condition before you go for your dreams because there's never a perfect condition.  There's always an unpaid bill that needs to be prioritized. But you realize in the end you always ride out the rain. 

Gen added that that doesn't mean you have to live beyond your means though.  In the end, it's always a conversation between you and God. Like if my bpi account can sustain only the coming week's necessities and I have an invitation for a vacation, I shouldn't just jump at any opportunity nor should I say no right away thinking of my piled-up bills. I should ask Him, consult Him, He owns everything that I have so it should be His final say on what to do with the money on my payroll atm. 

And God's provision is not limited by my Chase's basic salary.  

Van also said that first you obey God even if obeying Him leads you to an uncertain path.  For example, you're so gipit na and your tithes is still waiting in your wallet. If you give your tithes this cutoff, you have no idea where you're gonna get your next week's manna.  Well, Van encourages that the path where you wanna go is obedience and the unknown.

It's the best place of faith.

Fear of unknown should be changed to FAITH-especially-because-of-the-unknown.

It is ready. Ready to be poured out. God wants us to have the best in life, He created life! But we're too easily distracted with cheap desires. There are so many potentials in us and God is so ready to nourish it and make it grow, but we waste our resources on not so worthwhile stuff. 

One of the best things that I went home with from this Donsol trip is that God, through my small group, is teaching me to LIVE!

Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

-cs lewis.

Think Tank

I observe in my life that I act on my own and set God aside when I don't trust Him. I wouldn't exactly verbalize that so I guess this is more effective: 


I wouldn't take matters into my own hands if I really, truly trust God.


I wouldn't be easily upset if my sister doesn't give her fair share of the house payments had I trusted that God is the One who provides.


I wouldn't "borrow" my tithes to pay for an immediate bill had I trusted that God again provides.


Had I known that my lola and tita would be saved a few years from now, would be deeply transformed and would bear fruits of the Spirit, if I had known this I would be totally patient with them as they attack my father today. 


But of course it's not for me to know that. 


But if i really truly trusted that God works things out for the good of those who love Him, I wouldn't be sucked into the family's feud.



Reading through John Piper's blog, I had a rather interesting picture of what happens when I take matters into my hands because of distrust.


I am like the person who's faced with a dilemma. 

source

My "brain trust" team consists of only two persons. 


God and the enemy. 


Both present their cases on how to solve my problem. And underestimating and distrusting God looks like something like this to me: in the face of this committee I am literally throwing at God's face that I don't trust His counsel right now nor His ideas or His wisdom so I'm gonna go with the enemy's idea, which usually sounds less painful


Just a thought. Or a realization.

Ain't done..

Oh I love it na when God says, " Wait, I'm not yet done."

When things get too tough and I'd run to God, time and again He'd speak to my heart, "Wait, I'm not yet done."

God doesn't remove the circumstances to show you the true conditions of your heart...because He wants to fix you. So when He says He's not yet done (no matter how hard things can get), you'd be sure to believe that He has something good (always) in store for you. May niluluto Sya, ika nga. You can't help but look forward to it. The faith in your heart makes you forget the suffering. Because you're confident na basta in Christ, victory is already waiting in the end of whatever situation you're in. 

Truly we're never put to shame when our hope is in His Name. 

The same way when all seems to be going my way, I run to God and thank Him for all the blessings.  And, really, I'd get blessed, one after the other!!!  It's like it's not stopping.  It's like He's telling me, "Wait, I'm not yet done..."  ♥♥♥