I hate my bestfriend's boyfriend

Today, I feel very convicted. It was my friendt R's bday and I dread seeing her boyfriend there.  Just like any blood and tight girlfriends, i'm protective of her. I think R is too good for her. He was separated, focused on his collection of chickens more than the annulment and he swears a lot and said a lot of obscene words to R when he accused her of changing his facebook password. My point is, if he is treating her that way already out of a very trivial matter then how is he going to react or treat her if it is a huge matter. Would he start beating up R soon? So i refused to be in the same room with her boyfriend...so much i was willing to miss Z's baby shower and R's 30th bday.

Good thing Z did not invite him.  But he did show up at R's bday of course.  I didn't know how to act around him. I don't want to be friendly lest he thinks everything's ok and hurting R again will be ok. So i did what every coward girl would do: pretend he did not exist. Not even if he was standing right there before me.  And in that brief moment i felt the firm tugs of conviction.

As we made our way to our car, i kept thinking about what just happened. We were on our way to attend the 8pm service and it was a good 30 minute drive...enough for God to talk to me.

1. God calls me to forgive...not to save.
2. Jesus would never ignore any person
3. I can be there for R without necessarily agreeing with her
4. R is too good for him but Jesus is too good for me too, isn't he? Yet Jesus entered into a relationship with me anyway.

Wasting 8 months

A little rundown:
I was handpicked to be a job coach apprentice last October 2012 and was to go back to my original role as a solicitor after 3 months.  But God did things a little different. I started the stint two months before the other apprentices began theirs. And I was requested to be extended for another 3 months, totaling 8 months of stint.  So yes, I was given an 8-month gift. An 8-month blessing.  And then on June 25, the job coach resigned and the post was opened to everyone. I submitted my application and was scheduled for an interview on Monday. And because of this interview, that's where the story in this post begins.

*******************

Yesterday morning, I was practicing my answers to possible interview questions and  was pleased with how i performed.  A thought suddenly entered my mind. Did that brief flash of confidence come from my being pleased with my abilities? I started to feel afraid. I'm afraid i'm relying on my own abilities instead of God. I did not want to enter any promise land apart from Him. And I was afraid I won't be allowed to enter the promise land because I was apart from Him.

I immediately put down my interview cue cards and sent a group txt to my key sisters in Christ (doc, van, jhapi, rakel, charm and lyt). I asked how do i know if I'm relying on God or on myself. Their responses vary but mostly boiled down to: your talents are from God. So when you rejoice over your talents, you know inside you it's a gift from God. 

But as I was reading their responses this morning, I can't relate to them.  Because this is how I understood it:
Do your best (this is all you) and God will do the rest (this is all Him) 

I realized I trust God only in things that I can't control like the result of my hard work. But on things that I CAN control such as THE work itself, I trusted myself.  So when I got good scores and stats, I definitely confused which of the trust I invested that paid off. Yep, God had to share my praises with myself. Apparently, He wasn't the only God in my heart. He had to share spaces with me.  And I was a lousy god. I couldn't take care of myself the way the real God can. Divide your trust, divide your praises afterwards.  Yup, that's exactly what happened to me.

This morning, through the combined insights of my spiritual sisters, I began seeing things this way:
Do your best - Through God. He will give you the talents, skills and even desire and power. Philippians 2:13
God will do the rest - All Him.


But what was really all Him, I made it all me. A few Him, sure. But mostly me.  That's where the mess began. The presence of pride is nothing aggressive outside. People still see me as that prayerful Christian. Outside is really nothing impactful. It's inside that you can never twist around. It's inside that causes the storms. It's inside that really matters. 

I started strong in this apprenticeship but did not stand strong and absolutely did not end strong.  God blessed me with this gift but because I messed it up it caused me griefs. I grieved because I wasted.

• Wasted opportunities to let Christ shine in the work that I do
• Wasted the joy of walking with the Lord and growing with Him.
• Wasted my praises. I praised my mentor for assisting me, covering my ass, teaching me, leading me---all the things that God is doing for me. 

And she did not know
    that it was I who gave her... Hosea 2:8

• Wasted all 8 months putting too much importance on myself and worshiping myself. 

I am however joyful because...

• I may have wasted the 8-month gift but it revealed a lot of bad stuff in my heart. And I mean big ones. I have listed 12 big, ugly stuff in my heart and kept them in my drafts to remind me. 
• God dealt with me patiently and kindly...more than what I deserved.  I am so disgusted by the condition of my heart I swear if I am god I will take the position away or orchestrate events that will embarrass me and make me come to my senses. Whew, I'm glad I'm not god. 
• With God, I can start again.  I can start all over again.
• God allowed me to go through this process. On October 1st, the day I was made apprentice, I only saw October 1st. I uttered huge promises and declared huge, empty praises on that day.  But while I was looking at the day ahead, God already saw the whole season, the whole 8 months. He knew I was gonna cheat on Him. He knew I was gonna walk out on Him. He knew I was gonna hide behind crisis prayers and whimsy praises to make it as if I was still walking with Him when really I was just simply praising myself and taking care of myself.  He knew all of that but He was gonna allow all that to happen. For a reason.  For some glorious reasons. I guess He really wasn't gonna be insecure about losing 8 months of faithfulness from me. I mean how can one be insecure about a few losses when you know you're God and You will always triumph in the end?  And if you're a Christian and a child of God, God's triumphs means good for you. Point is, I messed up but there seems to be a process that God is allowing me to go through.

So now I praise Him for all these painful revelations about who I really am. I am not ending this post declaring I was changed overnight. I am still digesting all these.  But I praise Him that He is a God who puts value to the beauty of a process.

So one thing's for sure though. 

I'm off to another great beginning. Not whether I become a job coach, heck, the reality of the things of God in my life makes this job coach opportunity pale in comparison.  But if I wasted 8 months of a blessing, I take delight in the fact that God does not waste anything. Something's brewing out of that 8 months. Think 1 Corinthians 2:9.

Things I should tell myself when I sin and can't get out

1. How I see things will change including God. Perspectives will be tainted, what I used to know will feel uncertain. But that does not mean God changed.

2. Some things are eternal, some are not. God is eternal, man is not. God's promise reverberates all over the universe, an irreversible divine seal that silences all heavens. Man's promise will sound hollow on earth's ground and can faint in time. So when you sin and you want to get right up by going back to His promises don't ever compare His intentions in His promises to a man's.

3. He calls me precious and beloved even in my ugliest state. No one would pick me up because of my filth. Only He would. Only He did. He loved me in my ugliest state, He can't love me more nor love me less.

4. I'm caught up in a battle of sin. But this is God's battle. And the battle's won 2000 years ago. Sin can entice me, touch me and delude me. But it can no longer enslave me.

5. There's no other hero. Who am I to think that someone else can save? Only God saves the day.

6. When I sin I'm so filled with guilt, the easiest route is to hide and stay away. I see Him as an all-flaming, powerful God ready to punish me. I'm afraid that God is gonna come after me. And my sin just keeps deluding me and keeps playing wrong pictures of God: The bible, sermons, Christian blogs and wisdom from spiritual family will suddenly feel contemptuous. They're gonna judge me. They're gonna command me to stop doing things I should not be doing. So I'm gonna hide out in my room. Not ready, hating myself, feeling like a failure. I would feel hopeless that I'm never gonna change. That Jesus picked the wrong girl to save, that He's gonna be humiliated because I'm not cross-material after all. But God's gonna come after me alright. As a loving, gentle, forgiving dad. He's gonna knock into my heart and He will be saying something like:

"Hey. You there? I brought you food. I'll be right here if you need me."

7. Stay the course. Even if you've been sinning, stay the course that leads to God. Even if it's just 30 seconds of prayer in your loveless and sinful state. Don't stop those prayers that consist only two words like, "help me." He's not gonna think to Himself "help your face." C'mom, you know your God better than that. And for all you know, help is on its way even before you uttered your prayers. You can't see it but because you belong to God, you're covered all along. Always have, always will.

8. So in my sinful state, He's not gonna demand I do great things and save myself. He's not gonna demand I change myself. He's not gonna accuse me that it's my fault for not memorizing His word. He'll be like  50FirstDates-- patient until I come to my senses and fall in love with Him again. In fact, He's more than that. He will be rewiring me while I sleep. Cleansing me even in those 30second prayers. He knows how the story will play out. He saved me. When you're saved, you're saved. There's not gonna be any twist or conflict that God overlooked.

9. Yes, absolutely He will deliver. Guaranteed He will renew your mind.

10. So get back up. Don't stay away from salvation. There's not gonna be guilt in His presence. Only love. Only grace.

11. God's love is a consuming fire. It's not gonna be in a passive state, standing on a corner waiting to be loved back. It will consume you. All of you. And you can never run away from that.

12. Finally, while you are overwhelmed with all these thoughts, look at the Cross. Don't be bored with the cross. Don't be unimpressed. Look at the cross long enough until you're "re-convinced" you are loved. If in your sinful state it's hard to appreciate the Cross, you believe it but the feeling is just not there, God will renew your mind anyway and when He does and you're back on your feet, still look at the Cross. It's because of that you were affirmed and reaffirmed.

Keep it to yourself

Last night, I ended up sleeping on our couch because I was so tired.  My sister who got home in the middle of the night, loves to watch movies and that she did. Unfortunately, she chose to watch The Avengers.  The noise and bass made me toss and turn until I couldn't bear it any longer and was wide awake under the covers.  My sister didn't notice me because she was enjoying the movie. 

I vividly remember this strong force in me to not say a thing and just go inside the bedroom and continue my disrupted sleep there.  But the rotten attitude in me wanted to punish her with guilt by telling her accusingly what she put me through. 

And so I did. I told her. In an petulant and harsh manner because I was all ticked off. 

It set off an air of animosity on an early Monday morning. I ate my breakfast in silence and she prepared for bed in silence too.  



After I finished my breakfast, I put on my favorite series of all time, Scrubs, and was struck by the episode I randomly chose.




The episode was about four people who did something nice but had to pay for it.





1. JD asked his best friend Turk to spend time with him on Turk's day off.  Because of that Turk was not able to finish his pile of work he usually finishes on his off.

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2.  Cox who enjoys being feared by his subordinates makes his wife happy by going out on a couple's date with an intern.  This intern told his fellow interns about that night and how Cox was forced to be in a conversation with him. When Cox shows up at work the following day, the interns no longer fear him, and even boldly try to be in a conversation with him.  

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3. Carla runs interference for her boss whose dog died. Her tough boss did not want his staff to see him this vulnerable so Carla was tasked to talk to people on his behalf.  Unfortunately, his boss hardly said yes to any of the requests of his staff.  So Carla spent the whole day rejecting requests. When she took a lunch break and sat with her colleagues, they all stood up and moved to another table.  They all hated her. 

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In the middle of the episode, the narrator asked, "Was it worth it?"



This was answered by the fourth person in the story.  He donated half of his liver to his brother who was sick but it almost cost him his life.  

On the morning after the surgery, his surgeon visited him and asked:

Turk: Did your brother freak out when you told him you almost died?
Patient: I didn't tell Frank.  Look at him so happy. If he knew what I went through he'd feel terrible. Why would I wanna do that when I love him so much.



Needless to say, after watching the episode it reminded me of the incident with my sister this morning.  It made me realize that sometimes keeping it to yourself is more loving than some acts of kindness.  It's a small form of sacrifice. 


My rotten attitude stinks like hell and I wish I could get rid of it so I could be more loving because I want my life to be God-glorifying.  In Jesus, I never, ever feel God accusing me of my wrong attitude. Instead, I feel His fatherly love wanting to fix all the bad gunk in my heart. All I need to do is approach the Throne of grace because no matter how I try, I will never defeat the sinful nature in me on my own. 

If there's one thing I don't want to forget

I so relish the rare moments of having our house to myself.


It's Sunday and we would probably celebrate mothers' day later this evening because mom is still asleep. But when I woke up there's only one thing I'm itching to do.


The first thing I saw is the T.V. that is in stand by, the DVD player is still plugged in from where I last left it last night, and the DVD itself is paused at the credits of the last episode I watched last night. 


It will just take two buttons to get this started again.

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I will never get tired of watching them over and over but not today because it's Sunday. 

Although I only have two rest days per week I don't like the only other day for God to be used for something else (I don't like it but I don't always do it) 

Whenever I go to church without filling my mind with the things of God first it sort of throws me off.  It's like coming to church just like going to work: perfunctory. 

Let me put it this way, whenever I start my day praying, playing worship songs and praising God or listening to podcasts and not doing anything else (like blogging), I have a stronger sense of God. I go to church with feelings to it and it feels very much like going to a place to meet and be with someone you love.

Someone said that God does not have recollection issues of who He is, we do.

And yes, I forget all the time. 

I forget that He works all things for those who love Him when things go wrong.

I forget that greater is He in me than he that is in this world whenever I'm afraid.

I forget He is the provider whenever I'm hesitating to give my savings to someone needing money.

I forget the goodness of God whenever I watch the news...forgetting that He is not slow in keeping His promise, He is actually patient with us FOR OUR SAKE, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to repent.

I forget that He nailed every sin on the cross whenever I'm too ashamed for my sins

I forget that He is not human like us with moody and conditional love. His is steadfast. 

And I forget each time I wake up that every day He withholds everything I deserve because of my sins. I forget that His mercy is new every morning. 

So F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and even catching up on my pending blogs will have to wait for my me-time later tonight. Come to think of it, I typed the last paragraph above and already it took my appetite away from wordly things that steal my heart away from God.  I read what I typed it brought tears to my eyes recalling how great, how good, how loving our God is! I found myself singing in front of my PC (with my voice breaking) the chorus of

"...His mercy never come to an end. They are new every morning, new every morning, great is Thy faithfulness oh Lord...great is Thy faithfulness."

Salie and J.D.

Through the life of this friend of mine, I am witnessing how God works all things for those who love Him.  I am seeing how God does not abandon them (see my blog before about Salie and J.D.)...how He is patient and gentle and forgiving and generous.  


It's hard to feel God's presence during difficulties. We hurl complaints and grumblings at Him, either vocally or deep inside our hearts. But look at this God! He is so patient, gentle, forgiving, generous--wait I just said that, didn't I? Haha, oooh how I worship this Lord!


To Jesus:  Lord, J.D. is so handsome, thank You Lord for him! I pray that you don't let our corrupt generation influence him.  Please let J.D. be Yours and Yours alone. Amen.


To Salie: You may have taken on such a difficult path, sweetie.  But as long as you don't push away the Hand that guides you, hems you in, provides for you and protects you...you will be alright. 


To JD: Baby, do you know what kind of dad you have? Read below (when you're older hehe)



Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
    this is God, whose dwelling is holy. - Psalm 68:5




And do you know what your Dad wants to tell you?



So do not fear, for I am with you; 
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

What is the best thing that I have?

Listening to podcast: http://www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/sermons/no-condemnation-in-christ-jesus-part-1

Gems I got from this podcast:

1. When God's wrath fell on Jesus at the cross how did it condemn the sin of the world including mine?

IN Jesus....in God's eyes I was there IN Jesus.

2. I've got a Father in heaven whose approval of me is 10,000 times better.

3. So now I am free to die

                        free to serve

                        free to humble myself towards people

Hey, I have the best thing!

 Romans 8:1

4. I am free to lose my face, my prosperity, my job, my health, my pride, my position as long as I remember and live the covenant I have with God:

Romans 8:1

5. Through Jesus, the infinitely holy, flaming, powerful God is not my Judge...but my Father.

Playing Church

It bothered me that my new teammates know that I stay away from green jokes.


I realized I don’t want to attract attention for things that I refused to do because it may make others feel bad and it’s hard to engage when people are turned off by you. And if I can’t engage, then I won’t be able to build relationships. And sharing the Gospel without a relationship is not just salestalk—but a guaranteed backfire.



Christianity is supposed to be a beautiful thing that attracts people, not repels them. Usually the stories that inspire others to give their life to Christ are stories of people who are willing to do something and not refusing to do something.



For example, they are inspired by people who are willing to share to the poor but repelled by people who refuse to associate themselves with the gay crowd; willing to listen and repelled by those who simply insist that the Bible is the final authority.



Yesterday, van (my mentor) and I were talking about the possible traps of “playing Church.” One of the questions we asked ourselves was if in case someone bombed VCF and the only Christian building available would be in Tondo where the place would not be as comfortable as the setting here in Fort, would I still be this unstoppable in attending services and serving in Kids Ministry?



That’s a heavy question. And in all honesty, I really don’t know the answer. I don’t know what’s in my heart because it’s very deceitful. That’s why I’m thankful that God taught us to pray for our hearts: Psalm 139:23-26. Because, really, I can easily say I am a Christian, passionate about following Christ but my sinful nature is a poison that everyday tries to impair the sincerity of my passion for Christ.



Christianity is after all who we are when we are alone. I don’t want people to know that I am a Christian just because of my facebook statuses. I want God to enable me to live in a way that other people would see the love of Christ in me. Because I, too, don’t always walk the talk. I mean, who would dare raise his hand to say that he has the complete package of the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, gentleness, self-control, etc.)?



I’m weak. But like Paul, I want to boast in my weakness because God’s power is made perfect in our weakness.



I know that our Christian life here on earth is not an instant 100% transformation. Because God, like a dear Father He is, wants us to grow (with Him) day by day.



By His grace alone. His oh so beautiful, enabling grace.

Humility that belittles

I texted sorry to papa because I feel that my tone is masungit while we're clarifying some details earlier today. 

I usually just pretend nothing happened whenever I become rude to my parents and would vow to do something nice for them to assuage the guilt but today something nagged at me that I might have hurt his feelings when he was just trying to help. So I txtd him.

I was walking briskly inside MOA with the walk of a person who knows where she's headed and was nervously expecting a reply that would reprimand my rudeness.  Instead I received this message. 


"Don't mind it."


In that brief moment, I felt a strong mixture of belonging to someone who doesn't demand I explain my behavior, someone who doesn't want me to carry the burden of offending him...someone who's quick to forgive me.

I couldn't help but remember (and be ashamed) why there are many moments in my prayer life when I feel worried that I'm too, too despicable that God wouldn't be able to stand me.  Don't you experience those FALSE ideas playing in our heads while praying?

I pray crying myself to death asking sorry but it feels like God is stone-cold watching me impassively because He's not that big enough to forgive my biggest sin. 

It sometimes makes me feel I am conversing with a parent who refuses to talk so I'm gonna quietly leave the room and do something nice to make up for my being a meanie.

Yes, I do get that feeling. 

In those moments, I am maybe praying intensely and poring over the bible solemnly BUT without realizing I am actually belittling God-- especially what He did on the cross!

And I feel worse than an active notorious murderer!

At least, that notorious murderer is likely ignorant of Jesus or else he would have quit. But me, I hear Jesus every sunday, I read blogs of pastors regularly but still I am strongly inclined to belittle this God I claim to be the greatest in all universe!

I'm glad that He knows we tend to pattern His motives with our nature that He encourages us with this:


"If you then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven..."Luke 11:13


 And Eliphaz would have rebuked me with,


"Can a mortal be more righteous than God? Can a man be more pure than his Maker?"Job 4:17


I pray that God would never stop giving me realizations like this and would rebuke me even right in the middle of praying to remind me that not all prayers are good however heartfelt. 


I should stay away from prayers that do nothing but insult the heart of my Father in heaven. 

"The fastest way to kill your prayer life is to combine small thoughts about God with big thoughts about self." 

- Ptr. Rich blaylock

Misdirected sincerity

I remember a story told by a pastor. There was a man who took his wife out on an overnight getaway for their anniversary. He wooed her, charmed her, praised her beauty and made lambing to her.


He told her, “I remember when I first saw you in that restaurant. Your hair looked so beautiful under the bright chandelier.” 


The wife didn’t respond.


The husband continued, “You were so good in writing poetries back then. I wonder why you no longer show them to me lately.”


The wife didn’t respond.


The husband, getting discouraged, asked, “Are you upset with me because we didn’t go to your favorite getaway for our anniversary?”


Suddenly, the wife got angry and before she walked out she said in tears, "I haven't been to that restaurant! I never write poetry! And THIS IS my favorite getaway!" 


Turned out that the husband was referring to a different woman all this time.


The pastor said, “You see, the praises were real. The praises were sincere and heartfelt. But it’s for the wrong person. And sometimes we praise God for something that we make Him out to be and not for who He really is.“




I saw this example in my life just last Sunday. My lola and some of my titas almost wrote me and several of my family members off because of some misunderstandings in the past. Being a lola of course she wouldn’t make the first move to reach out and we refused too so we never visited their place for a long time now.


Last Sunday I summoned all the guts that I have and visited her and my tita. That is like with God.  His relationship with you will also translate into your other relationships.  Even those you don't like. I didn't want ever to go to my lola's house but there's this persistent, gentle beckoning in my heart and so we went.


I oh so dreaded the moment of reaching for her hand so I can bow my head to it (a Filipino tradition of showing respect to the elderly). 


I prayed and prayed hard for grace. When I got there, my lola had just left but I was able to straighten things out with my tita. I went home saying thanks because God answered my prayer and protected me from an encounter with my lola.

Until His still voice spoke in my heart.




That’s not like God at all. God is for restoring relationships. Getting at their house right after lola left is not the answer to my prayer because it’s not going to fix the relationship at all. Real grace that would come from Him is one that you experience right in the battlefield…right when you’re petrified and stubbornly refusing to do what will bring Him glory and you do not have anyone else to back you up.




I pray that one day God will fix this gap in our family. 




After all, all stories in Christ are victorious. 

I'll stay if you stay

It was a windy early morning many years back when my boyfriend and I sat at Sunken Garden in U.P. contemplating our relationship down the road.

"I'll stay if you stay..."


That's what he said to me.

It was years after when I heard these words again.  Jesus spoke those words to me, one quiet afternoon at home. 

Jesus:   Remain in me and I will remain in you. (John 15:4)


Je:   But I’m not going anywhere, Lord, now that I found you.  You are my only god. I will absolutely stay.


Jesus:   You did not choose me but I chose you (john 15:16)


Je:   I promise Lord I will remain in You. I will not stop going to church, I will continue tithing, I will memorize your Word, I will attend small groups.  I’ll stay so you’ll stay.


Jesus:   You will remain in me by keeping my commands (john 15:10)


Je:   Oh yes, Lord, that's what I said. I will keep your commands. I will not stop going to Church, I will continue tithing, I will memorize Your Word, I will attend small groups,


Jesus:   My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. (John 15:12)

I don't get it. Love each other? Of course! I love my family and friends. I really don’t have any problems with that.  It ridiculously sounds simple! 

It took many months but Jesus slowly showed me what He meant.

I love my family and my friends….but only because they love me too.  Now when I don’t get my way, I don’t feel like loving. That’s how it’s like already with people who love me, I realized, horrified. Oh how less love there is in me for those people I don’t even know and especially people who mess with me!

And Jesus is asking us to love each other. 

But it’s tough, really tough to love. Well, I can choose to be unkind just to give way to my anger. But...but I would be doing exactly the opposite of LOVE.  

And would Jesus remain if I defy His command? I don’t think so.

But It’s just so tempting to unLOVE when you're angry!

These were the words battling in my mind when suddenly that small voice that we’re all so familiar with, the tender voice of the Shepherd, softly spoke in my heart:

“Apart from me you can do nothing….”  (John 15:5)

At first I was scared because if I don't obey Jesus' command to love and He leaves me then I am nothing!  But then it dawned on me, Jesus will be with me to enable me to do the very thing that He commands SO that He will remain in me.

We fondly refer to it as GRACE.   Amazing, isn’t it?


That's who my God is!

Ask God what you deserve...

...and be blown away with what you have instead.

Several days ago, I prayed and set aside a small amount of money for a Coffee Bean time with Jen especially after our recent fight.  God responded instead by giving us a chance to finish One2One at Wensha Spa yesterday.

While waiting for our masseuse, Jen and I were musing about how we tend to take for granted little treats like this from God. The trivial the treats, the more we exclude God.

The mindset then was God is way, way too prestigious to be thanked for trivial treats. You can thank Him for salvation, restoration and all the heavy words in the bible. But for a free haircut, front row tickets, gift cert for a 1 hour body scrub, Donsol vacation or an offered window seat on your first airplane ride?


It's just too weird to associate a GOOD GOD in these little treats.

But most people would think that it was a GOOD LUCK.



Je: You know what would make you grateful to God for a trivial treat such as those I mentioned?

Jenny: What?

Je: Just remember how sinful you are and how you don't deserve anything but punishment and death.



After all, you wouldn't think that a man on a death row would deserve a spa right?



You and I are no more different than a man on a death row and yet, God, oh so good and great that He "...richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment." (1 Tim6:17)


Grace is so attractive. The more you know about it, the more you fall in love with the Inventor of Grace.

Bilao at asin

Not all parents are as creative as mine when it comes to disciplining children but everyone knows what"Bilao at asin" means.  When we're kids, papa taught us lessons through bilao and asin.  He'd take out the bilao, pour rock salt on it and...oh you know the drill. Paluluhurin ka sa asin to teach you a lesson.

After we all turned 18, our toes have barely scratched adulthood yet we're already experiencing the glory of being adults. It was the moment when that bilao thing started to sound ridiculous to use for disciplining us.

Today at 3-ish in the morning I had a crazy imagination.

I am suddenly that willful little 'J' who did what she wanted when she wanted. That little J who snuck out of the forced afternoon nap, who stole her lolo's Hershey's, who spat out veggies when no one's looking and basically that little J who did anything that can drive all the adults in her life nuts. They were just silly pranks. Nothing so serious that can merit the bilao and asin. 

Until one boring afternoon. 

Everybody else was catching up on some mexican teleserye upstairs. I was so bored that I hopped on lolo's stationary bike.  The kids were not allowed to use it after it was moved to that one place in the house where all the electrical wirings were located.   I hopped on it anyway. I pedaled so fast, intensely watching the ergometer that I didn't notice a wire got tangled in one of the pedals. I don't understand the physics of it but I remember hearing a faint sound of an explosion followed by a power outage in our house first, then the house next to us. 

I wasn't hurt but the entire compound was in panic. I quickly ran and mingled with the kids outside confident that no one would know it's me and that papa will never find out when he arrives home from work.  But, bummer, papa finds out everything.  

So there go the bilao and asin, prepared for the trembling little Je-ann.  You see, papa is bent on punishing disobedience. No ten thousand baby-voice sorries can save you from the bilao and asin.  You gotta go through it so you remember the pain and wouldn't dare to disobey again.

I found myself shaking my head this morning as I recall that bilao confrontation. 

Anyhoo, the crazy imagination begins right here.

I imagine my ate rushing home from Dubai and tells papa that she was the one who played with the forbidden bike. Then she takes my place on the shining bilao already waiting in the corner of our house.  After a long, excruciating moment, she flies back to Dubai.

My first reaction would be, "Yun lang pinunta mo dito??"

I imagine the next reaction would be, "Why? Why do it for me?"

And probably the third is that I'm changed forever.  The image of my sister suffering on the bilao that was intended for me would be forever eteched in my heart. And I would adore and love her more than before. 

But hey my ate would never do that. In fact, no one is able to do it for me, ever. Me, who's selfish and bratty and hides wicked motives in my heart? Hell, no! No one would think I'm worth it.

Except for this Someone I know. My eyes start to brim with tears even as I write this part. 

I snapped back to present and smiled.  Crazy imagination.  

It's a beautiful Sunday morning. I couldn't wait to worship my God and Savior after thinking so much of what He has done on the cross for me.

"Came to earth to take my place...on the cross...on the cross..."

I used to see the cross as a religious artifact which my titas and lolas treat with so much sacredness.  But now I know that it's much more than that.  So much more that it makes my heart bow down to worship.

In fact, the story of the Cross has become my lovelife.

And yours, too, if you believe everything that God wrote about Himself on that great book we call the "Bible".

:)

God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

- 2 Corinthians 5:21

Hey you, little worshiper, slow down..you're missing the point!

I had my share of "Martha" too. Oh you know the busy sister who didn't have time for the Lord. But it's kinda different. At the risk of sounding pompous, I always try to prioritize God. Except that I am becoming what Darlene Zschech described in EN10: I tell God I want to worship and serve Him. So He sends people and situations my way to give me an opportunity to do so, but, guess what? I'm too busy praying. Just too busy praying. 

Here are the ugly truths revealed to me: 

"Lord I wanna know You more."

So excited always to go to Church or do quiet time when I've no work...but last I checked, I get to see my family lang during those brief, nagmamadali moments of going to sleep from work and in a hurry to leave for work. 

"Lord, I wanna be a salt and light too."

Haven't visited my two lolas for months now but I always have time to go for a spontaneous trip to Tagaytay with any random friend.

"Lord, I wanna serve You."

Always available for Kids Church but haven't found quality time to sit down and engage the kids God sent to me individually. Kids who need ministering, kids hungry for miracles.

"Lord, I want to be a blessing in every relationship in my life."

I love my friends, soul sisters, small group, even officemates I barely know. But I demand a lot from, argue a lot with and accuse my own sister.

"Lord, thank You for the gift of prayer."

I pray for my sick caller struggling to pay her mortgage, for the old lady crossing the road, for anything at all. And the horrible, shameful truth? I always forget to pray for my own tita who has stage 4 cancer, shackled by one cold sin and who has yet to know Jesus.

Maybe my mind is a sick, twisted thing that blows things out of proportion. Maybe I just don't get it. Oh, there are lotsa things I still don't get, lots of points I'm still missing.

And, yeah, sure I'm the little worshiper who doesn't get it. But I wanna be the worshiper who all the more stubbornly clings on to Jesus for the exact, same reason: because I'm not getting it.

Because I'm not gonna get it by my own understanding.

Only Jesus can do it for me.

And I refuse to NOT remain in Him. After all, in the midst of my flaws and weaknesses, didn't He say, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

And just like Paul, "I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."